I am all of these things most of the times.
I get to feel these every once in a while.
Friday evening, I was standing by the balcony. All alone.
I remember everything.
I raised my head up to let the cool breeze caress every inch of my face. A few minutes ago I could hear the most melancholic melody playing, tantalizing every buried memory in my head. I could hear the hooting and honking of cars as the drivers negotiated their way through the evening traffic rash.
In the distance, I could see kids shouting and jumping in excitement…seeming all unaware of their surroundings. I could even hear the cries of a baby, mercilessly announcing its displeasure over something. And then…and then came the sweetest sounds of a lullaby, seductively gracing my eardrums and slowly…slowly…slowly…the cries began fading away.
But so did everything else.
Suddenly…and I mean very so suddenly, I heard the first drop hit the floor… and then the second. I moved my feet back a little and looked down. I had seen seasons come and go. I saw leaves dry and weather, I had seen the greens and the fruits in their most beautiful form. I got rained on a few times, hell I felt so hot at times I had to walk around the house naked.
But it was still winter.
I quickly reasoned. This was no rain.
My hand instinctively went straight to my face.
Was that me?
These are the little things I do every now and then.
Why do I feel so much?
I took a walk a few days ago.
I kept walking and walking and walking.
I was lost.
My mind is a beautiful maze of things unknown and words spoken very so lightly.
Sometimes I even scream.
Oh no, he does not hear me.
But clearly, something was on my mind.
I stopped and sat on the bench by the side of the road.
Somehow, I got a deep feeling that for quite a while I had not been thinking of anything at all.
He smiles at me.
My heart skips a beat.
I look away.
He still doesn’t understand.
I heard him ask.
I laughed, ever so softly.
Love, you ask?
Love to me is all these things and more.
I do not cry because I am sad.
I do not walk alone because am lonely.
I do not only see roses.
And all those bright and colourful things that you are thinking about.
I have loved even before I knew the concept of love existed and I have fallen in love at least a couple of times growing up. Love to me also means sadness, worry, stress, anxiety, tears, pain and all those dark things that come to mind. Sometimes it even means loneliness. I cannot say I have loved if I have not experienced the good and the bad together. I am always hoping for the best but I also expect the bad to happen along the way. Just like the night gives way to the day and vice versa to make a complete day so does sadness and happiness combine to bring about love.
I get scared.
I get afraid.
I get jealous too.
And then there are those tiny moments when I feel a little insecure.
There have been times I have even gotten mad at God.
It was July. I remember.
In the wee hours of the morning.
I watched a woman who to me was the epitome of everything good die. I stood on the side, my hands tightly clenching hers, and she too holding on to me as if for dear life. I watched slowly as every drop of life got drained from her…bit by bit. I have seen a lot of pain before in my life but never before had I felt it to such a degree.
I could smell it.
I could feel it rip my insides to pieces.
That night I even touched pain.
I had been transported to the darkest and deepest parts of hell and came back smelling blue.
I was mad.
I was angry.
I could barely contain it.
I had a lot of questions back then and I still do.
Faith, you ask?
Do not ask me why I felt like that.
Instead, ask me how it feels to be human.
And if you do,
I will tell you that this too is Love to me.
Love can bruise you every now and then.
You will cry.
You will fall.
And you will get disappointed.
But Love will not let you suffer alone.
It will not leave you in despair.
Love will also give you the antidote.
This too is what love means to me.
Every now and then I worry about the safety of my loved ones.
Why is she late?
Why didn’t he answer his phone?
Is her seatbelt on?
Sometimes I even get a little foolish in-love.
I cry when I wake up in the middle of the night and watch you sleep peacefully beside me; how can anyone so beautiful inside and out be mine? Sometimes I still cry just thinking about all the blessings I have been granted over the years.
You have told me that I look more beautiful when I smile.
That you do not like the sight of my tears.
But do you know that at times,
The glitter in my tears is because I love you too much?
Do you know that sometimes…
I get upset only because I want you to hold me?
I can see he understands me now.
He hugs me from behind.
My heart skips.
I can smell his love.
Here’s me wishing that you never stop loving me.
Can we make it so that we never have to make wishes….
Instead of wishing, how about…we just do.
Can we not look back at the good old times….
How about we just make every memory past, present and future…
Can you love me for that long? And as you love me…
Can we strive to have more of the good than the bad?
Now here’s me wishing that you never stop loving me.