“I think my leg is fine now. You can drop me off at the nearest bus station.” Thandiwe told me. Her whole attitude towards me had completely changed.
I could swear she had kissed me back…probably in a moment of weakness which she was now deeply regretting because she was looking at me like I was the devil himself. I could smell the disappointment from every part of her body.
I didn’t like her looking at me like that…it didn’t make me feel so good. She must have been thinking that I let her down because she had had such great expectations of me but what she didn’t know was that more than anything else, I had let myself down.
“I am sorry,” I said to her. I was deeply embarrassed, not only because of what I had done, but because there was still a part of me that felt justified in wanting to do it.
Even as I dropped Thandiwe off at the bus station, I knew it my head that that was not the end.
And thus, because I had told it to myself, I eventually made it so.
I could have easily instructed my brain to stop thinking about her but for some reason, I had convinced myself that the only way to get over what my wife had done to me was if I equalized the equation…but only to some extent; I had to sleep with someone else as well…I needed to sleep with someone else.
There was no way I was going to walk away from a marriage where I had invested so much because it would make me feel like a failure…and I am not a failure. How the hell will my friends and family look at me if they heard my wife cheated on me and had a child with someone else…and a pastor for that matter? I just couldn’t take such a blow.
My pride had already been bruised, no, bruised is subtle…someone had taken my balls and crushed them into pieces and then handed them back to me to chew. You see, despite my faith in God, my pride as a man would not let me take the easy way out. Forgiveness and letting go I had come to learn was just not my cup of tea. It was either I make her pay for what she had done by divorcing her or I get my own kind of revenge.
Unfortunately, divorcing meant I would lose a lot of things as well in the process and I wasn’t willing to let go of some things just yet. Why should I be punished? And so I settled for the next best thing I felt would appease my mind.
By then I had already concluded as you might have surmised that I intended to keep my marriage…but only on my terms. The question that still remained was how I could get passed my wife’s indiscretions and move on with our lives as if nothing had ever happened? I knew for a fact that there was no way in hell I would ever forget that…especially since there would be proof of that affair starring back at me in the form of Chikondi for the rest of my life.
But I had to make Thabo pay somehow and what better way than to do to her what she had done to me. I wanted to protect my weaknesses with everything I had but as you might know, everything has a price in the end.
I just didn’t know yet what price I was going to pay.
And so I kept thinking about Thandiwe every day and night. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I had somehow convinced myself that she was something sent to me by God and that she would the redemption I needed to save my marriage…that she would help me start anew. I know it doesn’t make sense now but it made a lot of sense then.
I looked her up on the internet, on social media and even went to that house in Phi where she worked. She had become my new obsession out of nowhere and for a while I had forgotten about the ache in my heart. By the end of that week, I had learnt a lot of things about Thandie;
For seven years she had been married to some man called Daniel Mukubesa, a doctor by profession who turned out to be an arrogant jerk who had been very abusive towards her. He had moved out of town about a year ago immediately after announcing divorce to her and had married the nurse he had been having an affair with for four years.
Thandie was a gullible woman, well, I don’t know if I should call it that or maybe she was just plain naive. For four years she never suspected her husband was having an affair…at least that’s what I had heard. I could tell she still loved him despite him completely turning his back on her and their son to fully devote himself to his new pregnant wife.
There was something about her pain that spoke to me…like it was something we had in common and I wanted to comfort her. There was a part of me that hoped she would understand my pain as well and had it been any other woman, I would have probably never known just how selfish the goals I had set out for myself in this journey of self-healing were.
But she was Thandiwe…and she did not hesitate to set me straight the next time I accosted her as she made her way to the bus station from her place of work.
“What do you want from me Harry?” She didn’t bother to stop to address me. She spoke as she walked, very very fast and I had to run to catch up to her.
“Stop Thandie,” I grabbed her hand to stop her and she finally turned to look at me in ballooned furry.
“What?” she hollered at me.
“I wanted to apologize for what I did last time,” I said.
“You don’t need to. I must have done something myself to make you think you could act that way. I should be the one apologizing to you.” Her mouth was saying one thing but her eyes were shooting accusing daggers at me.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” I asked her.
“No, I don’t want to go anywhere with you Mr Harry.” She turned me down, grave determination written all over her face. She really wasn’t going to go anywhere with me. “What more is there to talk about?” She added.
“I just need someone to talk to…and for some reason I think you are the only person that can listen to me without judging me or anything.” I pleaded.
Her features softened a bit but she was still shrouded in doubt. “I really don’t think I am the right person you should be talking to.” She said. “I think what you need is a counselor or someone elderly to help you sort out whatever you and your wife are going through.”
“I already know what those people are going to tell me and I don’t think I want to listen to any of it right now.” I said.
She then put her hand on mine and removed it from grasping her other hand.
“There is only one thing you want from me,” she said as she looked me straight in the eye. “I came into your life in such an unruly manner and so I can understand why you might think I would be down for whatever you have convinced yourself in your head.”
I was shaking my head. “No, that’s not it Thandie, that’s not it at all.”
“Then why are you here?” She asked.
Why was I there? It was a dame good question.
“See,” she said in response to my silence. “You can’t even say it out loud.” She then started walking away.
“If I don’t talk to you, I think I am going to lose my mind.” I said to her back. I don’t know what had come over me but ever since this problem with my wife, I had become such an emotional man. It was as if the experience had forced open the door to the tears I never got to shed all those years.
It was embarrassing and I didn’t know how to stop them, heck I didn’t even know why they came but there they were; tears. I am really not proud of those moments but they are some of the most defining moments in my road to recovery and I just can’t leave them out.
She must have sensed something because she stopped and turned around. I could see this frustrated look in her eyes that she wanted to leave but she couldn’t just walk away. She was after all, Thandiwe.
There was this strange smile on my face as I watched her walk back to me.
“Is that your car parked over there?” She pointed to the car parked on the side of the road behind us close to the house where she worked.
“Yes,” I said. I can’t remember when I had cleared away the tears from my eyes and face but my voice was still a little husky. This was the second time I had shown weakness in front of this woman.
“I don’t want my bosses to get any wrong ideas so you go and get the car and you will find me here.” She said.
“Great,” I said and immediately ran back to get the vehicle.
Not a single word was said between us the whole time I drove to Kabulonga to a lodge I knew we would get some privacy. I could feel her glare reaping through me when she realized where I had brought her.
“The restaurant is quite here,” I quickly explained. “We can talk privately in the garden. We won’t have to enter the lodge.”
She heaved a sigh of relief.
“What is it you so desperately want to talk to me about?” She went straight to the point the moment we were seated in the garden.
“I am sorry for what happened last time,” I was saying.
“You already said that,” she reminded me.
“I know,” I said. “But I didn’t finish; I am sorry that I did that to you but I am not sorry for the act itself.”
She was definitely puzzled.
“I don’t see anything wrong with what I did.” I continued. “I have thought long and hard about what I ought to do in order to make myself feel better…something to lessen the weight of it all. I think…no, I know that only if I do this will I be able to look my wife in the eye and somehow forget it all.”
“What exactly did your wife do to you?” She finally asked the million dollar question.
I then explained to her everything that had happened.
By the time I finished telling her my story, she had tears welled up in her eyes and I dared not ask if it was out of pity or empathy.
“I am sorry,” she said to me as she fought back the tears. “I don’t even know what to say to you.” She said with a smile on her face, trying to mask her actual reaction to the whole thing.
“Yeah….” Was all I could manage.
“And now you think that sleeping with another woman would somehow make you feel better and allow you to forgive her?”
“What else am I supposed to do?” I asked. “This thing will haunt me for the rest of my life and this is the only way I have found would make things a little easier.”
“How about just divorcing her? Two wrongs can never make a right Mr Harry.” She tried to reason with me.
“You think I don’t know that already?” I banged my hand on the table, almost scared the hell out of the waiter who had appeared from behind to set drinks on our table.
Thandiwe threw an apologetic look in the waiter’s direction and thanked her for the drinks before she left with the empty tray in hand.
“I don’t want a divorce. I have never believed in divorce and I certainly don’t want to explain to anybody what caused my marriage to fail.”
“If you came to me thinking that I would side with you…then I am afraid am going to have to disappoint you.” she said. “I think that what you are plotting is childish and immature. What you seek is revenge and I can promise you that I won’t change a thing, if anything, it will only make it harder for you and your wife to work things out. In the end the very thing you are trying to avoid is exactly what will happen; you will break up.”
“How would you know that?” I asked.
“Because I tried it,” she said. That was a surprise.
“You cheated on your husband?” I asked, dreading the response.
She laughed softly. “Not in the full sense of the word…just emotionally at most…but I still think it’s called cheating in the Bible sense of definition.”
And then she went on to tell me her story.
“People assumed that I didn’t know that my husband was having an affair for so many years but I knew it from the moment it started. Instead of confronting him about it I tried to turn myself into a better wife thinking that he had strayed because of weaknesses on my part. But no matter how much effort I put into being a good wife, the affair never went away. When I finally confronted him about it, he beat me so bad I was in the hospital for three days. I never spoke of it again but something inside me had died since.
“Instead of the confrontation making things better between us, it somehow made my husband feel he could now flaunt the affair in my face without having to worry about being caught. He would answer her calls late at night when I was sleeping right next to him and I would be forced to listen to every word of their conversations. It killed me.
“The doctor who was in charge of my care at the hospital had taken a liking to me and even after I was discharged he would call to check up on me and slowly we started chatting. While I was getting zero attention from my husband, there was a man giving me all the attention in the world. Despite being a doctor, my husband had failed to recognize that something was wrong with our son but that doctor took one look at him and knew right away. I tried so many times to talk to my husband about it but he just never had time for me, not even for our son.
“I was filled with so much bitterness. I was hurting badly and I wanted to hurt him back. That doctor had offered to get my son to have surgery, for free and out of gratitude I was willing to give in to him. I started giving him attention and began looking forward to my conversations with him. I got so wrapped up in it I no longer cared about what my husband was up to…that was until that good doctor tried to take things a little further and when I turned him down he passed a very crude moment that forced me to wake up.
“Soon after that incident I learnt that my husband’s mistress was pregnant and I knew then that we had reached a point of no return. My husband said he was in-love with her and he had tried to make things work with me but I was just so different from him. He shoved papers in my face and left.
“My point is, no matter how much we try to justify our actions, there will come a time when we regret the decisions we make out of hurt and anger. You can’t make a marriage work on your own and problems don’t just disappear just because you choose to look the other way. The truth is; I had given up on my marriage the moment I chose to look the other way.
“But you on the other hand have a choice to make; you say you don’t want a divorce…that you want to work things out…but, did you stop to ask yourself why you want to work things out? Is it because of your pride…that you don’t want the world to know your dirty laundry or, is it because you love your wife and your family so much you are willing to work things out? If it is the former, I say you should get a divorce, but if it’s the latter, then you need to get the idea of revenge out of your head and do everything you can to see to it that you work things out. Either way, I am not going to sleep with you.”
Thandie’s words hurt like hell.
I had wanted to talk to her out of my own selfishness. I had thought that I would somehow convince her to take pity on me and maybe things between us would…you know…get better. Instead, she had ended up awakening me to some facts I desperately needed to hear. I didn’t want to hear them of course…but I had to.
By the time our conversation had ended, I had come to this realization; that Thandiwe was a remarkable woman and that I was a bloody coward.
I was not sure about the love for my wife at that point in my life but I was sure about the love for my family. That night I drove to the house of a former boss of mine whom I had a lot of respect for. He had been married for over thirty years and he always impressed me with how he treated his wife during the days we were close. I had completely forgotten about him but for some reason after talking to Thandiwe, he came to my mind.
Even though I had not spoken to him in a very long time, Mr Kaunda and his wife welcomed me into their home with open arms. After exchanging a few pleasantries and the drinks were served, his wife excused herself and left us to talk in private. I bet she had sensed the reason I had shown up at their door. I poured my heart out to that man for hours and he just listened and listened.
I had resolved to make my marriage work.
* * *
With guidance from a very well-grounded couple providing us with Godly counsel, my wife and I endeavoured to resurrect our marriage and start anew. We both knew it wasn’t going to be easy but we committed ourselves to doing our best.
Unfortunately, even though I had convinced my mind to work things out, my heart found it hard to adjust. Six months had gone by and Thabo and I hadn’t been intimate. Many times she tried to initiate things but that only seemed to make things even harder. I didn’t want her taking charge of things sexually because it made me feel as if she had forgiven herself too easily.
On the other hand, I couldn’t bring myself to complete the act because I just couldn’t get the image of her with another man out of my head. I tried…dear God I tried.
But It. Just. Wouldn’t. Go. Away.
We tried numerous exercises together, did fun stuff together to build our relationship but when it came down to the bedroom, my body just froze, literally.
So many times I chanted to myself ‘mind over matter…mind over matter…’ but still nothing changed.
The strange thing was, although my relationship with my wife was struggling, my relationship with Chikondi had not changed. I still loved that boy like he was my own. At first I responded to him out of pity because everything in me wanted to hate him but then I would watch his reaction and see how broken he was.
I was ashamed of myself for making a child pay for his parent’s sins. Eventually, that pity developed into love. It was easy to love that boy…because he loved with every inch of his little heart. It was as if he had sensed something was wrong and I can never forget that conversation I had with him that turned things around.
I had come from work and found him sitting alone in the back yard, deep in his thoughts as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I put my laptop bag down and sat down next to him.
“Do you think you and mum would be happier if I disappeared?” He had asked me.
That question broke my heart into pieces. It was as if he had switched on some button inside me…my heart was thumping so fast I feared I might collapse.
“Why do you say that son?” I asked, fighting back the tears. It was still a sore topic for me…but the tears in Chikondi’s eyes only made things a 120% harder.
“Just because,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders. He was now pulling the grass from the ground piece by piece, avoiding eye contact by all means.
“I know things have been a little difficult lately between me and your mother but I don’t want you to think even for a second that you have anything to do with it, okay?” I said.
“Then why do you hate me?” He asked. He had brought his massacre of the grass to a paused as he waited for my response.
“Where did you get that idea from?” I asked. I knew where he had picked up that idea from. There were moments when I couldn’t control my gaze and I think my thoughts came screaming from my eyes.
“Listen here buddy,” I took his tiny hand into mine. “You mean the world to me. I am sorry that I have been such a bad father to you but nothing…and I mean nothing will ever change between us. You will always be my first born son no matter what happens…you believe me right?”
He was looking up at me with his big teary eyes and then he nodded. “Yes, I believe you,” he said.
I took him into my arms and hugged him so tied I heard me stutter…”I can’t…bre…ath…dad.”
I loosened my hold on him and we both laughed.
That night Thabo and I made love like it was our first time.
It had been nine months since the journey to reconciliation had been launched.
* * *
A year and six months had gone by and I believed that my marriage had survived the biggest hurdle ever. It had taken a lot of doing but we were finally doing alright. We had finally moved into our own house in Ibex Hill and changed churches, I had gotten a new job as country manager for one of the biggest firms in the country and our kids were going to the best schools. We were pretty much happy.
Everything was back to normal.
Or so I thought.
I had travelled for a conference in Algeria when it happened.
I was to be away from home for two weeks. In a strange city surrounded by strangers…let me not start with the excuses. The bottom line is that I accepted an invite for a late night beer from a woman I had met during the conference who was staying at the same hotel as I.
I should have turned her down…I mean, she was extremely beautiful and intelligent. She was a professor, very outspoken and bold in every sense of the word. Heck, she was a very attractive woman who should have come with a warning sign.
She came knocking at the door of my hotel room and suggested we go down to the bar for a drink. We had both had a hectic day and we both deserved to unwind a bit. That could have been why I easily accepted her offer, I think.
I woke up the next morning and found her naked body sleeping next to mine.
Since when had it become so easy for me to cheat on my wife? I don’t know how it had happened…but it had happened.
When I went back home, I made love to my wife like nothing had ever happened. Thing is, I had actually forgotten about that woman in Algeria. My encounter with her had been exactly that, casual.
However, while I should have been proud of myself for easily forgetting about that casual encounter, I should have been asking myself why I felt no guilt whatsoever towards my wife.
Now I can wonder about such things but back then, it didn’t matter as long as my wife never got to learn of it.
And she never did.
Unfortunately, although the Algerian woman was the first, she was not the last. Six months later it happened with another woman, and then another and then…just like that, all casual encounters that ended as fast as they started.
But Thabo and I were still happy. We went on family vacations and did other stuff that couples do. We had moved on from the past and we were proud of ourselves.
But something had changed and we just couldn’t see it.
I was in Ndola for a workshop, staying at some fancy lodge my secretary had booked me in and engaging in what had become my favourite pass time when my partner for the night found dissatisfaction with the food she ordered that had just been brought to our room.
I tried explaining to her why her food was like that but she had a very short temper…probably why she was still single and shagging a married man in some lodge. But who am I to judge?
The wild creature called the reception and demanded that the manager come to our room and a few minutes later there was a knock on the door and in walked the lodge manager.
Alas, it was Thandiwe Mwale.
I was resting on the bed in nothing but my boxers while my partner who was covered in nothing but a towel was holding the door open so she could yell properly at the unfortunate manager.
I had been having affairs for over a year and not once did I feel guilt.
But on that particular night as Thandi’s eyes and mine met, I had never felt such shame as I did then. It was as if she had ripped my clothes off and made me stand in front of strangers all wet and exposed.
I was finally embarrassed of the man I had become. It had taken that long.
But I felt shame for the first time in a very long time.
At that moment I could not understand why Thandie brought out such feelings in me, I really couldn’t but I understood the look in her eyes;
It was disdain.
“What is this thing you’ve served me?” My one night stand was wailing, pointing at the food on the table.
Thandiwe blinked profusely and cleared her throat… and I could see her take a deep breath before responding with a smile on her face. “I am very sorry that this has happened but if you tell me what is wrong with the food, I will make sure that everything is well taken care of and a fresh plate will be served as soon as possible.”
“That meat you served me is not cooked!” My promiscuous maiden woman howled.
“If you don’t mind, may I ask what was ordered?” Thandiwe was professional to a fault in her responses.
“I ordered very rare T-bone steak with fries but that meat is so red in the centre I can see blood dripping. What sort of restaurant are you running here?”
I wanted to explain to Thandiwe that I had tried to explain to the woman why her meat was like that but in that instant I had lost function of all my speech organs. My mouth was wide open but no words would come out.
But like I said, Thandiwe was professional to a fault. Anyone else would have laughed at the uneducated wench and put her in her place for her rude behaviour…acting all high class when she was absolutely clueless.
“I am very sorry about that,” Thandie was saying in a very controlled voice. “Perhaps…may I suggest the meat to be well-done this time around? When it’s well-done, it will be cooked inside-out and you won’t see any red on it.” She was talking as if she was explaining something to a five year old but the guest was probably too dumb to pick up on that.
“I am sure there must have been some miscommunication when the restaurant took down your order. Such confusions happen a lot when guests order rare meat which is not supposed to be very cooked and well-done meat which is the one that is very cooked. I am very sorry for this inconvenience.”
She was deliberately placing emphasis on the words of contention.
It wasn’t enough that I had been caught in such an embarrassing situation, but my partner just had to be make things worse. Even though the manager had not called her dumb to her face, the delivery was enough to educate the guest in question.
I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
“Why didn’t you tell me that that’s what I had ordered?” The woman asked me the moment we were alone. I was sitting there like a statue with a bedsheet now covering my nether area. It was the position I had assumed the moment I had realised who the manager was.
“I tried to tell you,” I said angrily. “But you just. wouldn’t. shut. the. Hell. Up. What did you think rare was, some type of gold meat?”
“I thought it was some special kind of T-bone, you know…like something I’ve never tested before.” She replied without shame.
God is truly fair indeed…because it would be really unfair for a good looking woman like that to also have a well-functioning brain.
Where did I even pick up this species from? I thought to myself.
I was done with her for the night. I kicked her out the moment she had finished her food. But the damage had already been done.
I lay in bed debating whether to go and search for Thandiwe or to wait till morning.
But what if she got off in the morning? I didn’t want to leave things like that between us. I felt like I owed her some kind of explanation. I finally gave up fighting the urge and went out to look for her.
“Your manager, can I see her?” I asked the receptionist.
“Which manager are you looking for Sir?” The pretty lady asked me. “Restaurant, housekeeping, general manager…?”
I wasn’t sure which she was. “The one that had come to room 28 where we had an incident a few hours ago,” I said.
The receptionist chuckled upon hearing that and said, “Ooh that was from your room? I didn’t know.” She had brought her hand to her mouth to muffle her laughter but it was already too late.
“Her name is Thandiwe Mwale,” I said sternly. She got the hint and quickly sobered up.
“Ah, she is the general manager,” the receptionist said. “She had just come back to take care of something when the call came from your room and she offered to attend to you since she was closest.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
“You just missed her,” she said. “She left about two minutes ago. She….”
I couldn’t stick around to the end of that sentence. I ran outside to try and catch up to her. I immediately spotted a car coming towards me from the car park and I stood in the middle of the drive way to block it, waving my arms in the air as the car drew closer.
The driver saw me at the very last second and immediately hit the emergency brakes while I fell backwards in fear of what could have been.
I heard the door open and then, “Are you alright?” I knew that voice.
She knelt down beside me and touched my hand which was covering my eyes from the bright headlights.
“Sir, are you okay?” She repeated, her voice filled with concern.
I slowly dropped my hand and looked up at her and I watched her instinctively pull her upper body away from me like she had seen some infectious bug on my face.
“What do you think you are doing?” She snapped.
It was some deva-vu kind of mess.
She got up in frustration and walked back to her car. I quickly got up and ran after her, pushed her car door shut before she could make a move to get back inside. She turned around to face me, she was furious.
“I need to talk to you,” I said to her.
“You have two minutes, talk.” She looked at her wrist watch and folded her arms across her chest.
“I need more than two minutes Thandi,” I begged. “For crying out loud we haven’t seen each other in over two years.”
“Could it be because you have been too busy these two years, Sir?” She said forcefully. “What is it you want to say to me? It’s very late and I have a family to go to.”
“Did you get married?” I asked.
“That’s none of your business.” She answered curtly.
My eyes went straight to her fingers. There was no ring in sight.
She saw the direction of my eyes and quickly hid her fingers but I had already seen what I wanted to see.
I was grinning like a fool. “How’s your son doing? Did you manage to get him the surgery? When did you move here?” I just kept firing at her, I couldn’t stop. I was curious about so many things.
“Hey Thandie, is everything okay?” A voice came from behind us.
The accent and the masculine tone of his voice was enough to drive me insane even before I set my eyes on him. He was black, tall, well-built, seemed to be either in his late twenties or early thirties. Even in that partially lit drive way, his smooth skin and accent screamed of his origins…he was definitely a foreigner.
My obvious guess was that he was British…or at least he grew up in those areas. I hated him already.
He looked like the kind of man that women, whether young or old wanted to sleep with. Just looking at him pissed me off…very very very much.
I felt invisible standing next to him.
“Alex, what are you doing here?” A very concerned Thandie addressed him.
“I was up in my room when I saw what happened here.” He was pointing up towards the top floors of the lodge. “I saw the outline of the vehicle and thought it might be you so I came to check it out.”
He could tell the outline of her vehicle from that far? Mambala uyu….
“No you didn’t have to. I was just heading out and this man appeared out of nowhere…almost bashed him but as you can see, he’s totally fine. I am sorry that you had to come all the way.”
This man?? Did she just call me this man?
“Oh no, it’s not a problem. I am glad everything is okay.” The foreigner was saying.
Dame his bloody accent. Just listening to it can make any woman fall pregnant. There should be a law against letting such men into our country. It should be a matter of Natural Law…they can fit in a clause or two about such cases.
“I have to go now, it’s getting very late,” Thandi was saying. “You should go back to your room Alex…I will see you in the morning.”
I wanted to wipe the smile off of his face. It is very unmanly for a man to be that good looking. Put lipstick on his lips and you wouldn’t tell him apart from a female.
Handsome my foot. Tsk.
“Sure, see you in the morning love,” he moved to give her a hug and she hesitantly hugged him back. It was as if I wasn’t even there. The two of them said goodbye and went their separate ways, leaving me standing in there alone like a fool.
“What time does the general manger report for work tomorrow?” I asked the receptionist before heading back to my room.
“eight,” she replied.
“Thanks,” I said and went back to my room.
That night I couldn’t sleep.
Who was that Alex guy?
What was he to Thandie?
What did Thandie think of me?
These and many such thoughts kept dancing in my head and kept me awake.
And then one question finally came to my mind that made me seat up in bed;
Why was I feeling like this all of a sudden?
I had not seen Thandie for two years and I never thought much about her. Well, maybe once in a while she would pop up in my head but that’s it. However, meeting her the way I did brought out feelings in me that I had not even been aware existed and I found myself questioning a lot of other things about my life.
Why did it take another woman who was not even my wife to make me realize I had been living such a rotten and shameful life? What had happened to me? How did I reach such a point?
And most importantly, why Thandiwe?
I realized just then exactly what price I had paid to keep my marriage.
I had sacrificed the man I used to be.