Some months back I made a decision to chronicle my journey of recovery after divorce but somewhere along the way I stopped recording. I stopped because I reached a point where I lost direction of where exactly I was headed and if at all I wanted to continue along that path I had chosen. For a while I had myself convinced that I had healed. I was no longer bitter at he that broke my heart mercilessly and with impunity. I was over him and I had truly forgiven him. I was not bitter at him. The only emotion I had for him was that of pity; pity that even after everything, from where I was standing, it looked like he was still in the same spot I had left him.
What exactly had I hoped to achieve?
But really, if am not bitter any more, what’s this strange taste I keep tasting in my mouth? What’s this sourly flavour coursing through my veins every time am confronted with matters of the heart?
Yet again am at a crossroad.
Nevertheless, I have both funny and somewhat sad stories to update you on in my chronicles. So, here goes nothing!
Firstly, I know some of you are dying for an update on Michael. Remember Michael? My beloved Michael, the younger fella from church with all the right ingredients from a distance and I talked about how much strength I drew from him. I meant every word of it by the way. My experience with Michael simply turned out to be one I needed to go through to awaken me fully to my newly found reality.
Remember how I said my next man should be God fearing and what-not in my previous chronicle…yes. I was a total mess back then but I still stand by what I said.
Through my experience with Michael and basically some other guys I’ve tried hanging with ever since my divorce, I accidentally came by two very important discoveries;
The first one is that it is possible for a man seemingly after God’s own heart to treat you like a man in the ‘world’ and that it’s possible for a man who’s not a Christian to treat you with the kind of respect that you would expect from a man after God’s own heart. Am I making sense here?
The second discovery was that I had changed. No, I HAVE changed. A Lot.
I once heard someone say;
When you go through a life changing or threatening situation, you emerge from it with a whole new perspective on life. And maybe this new view is accurate, but still you must respect that others may need time to see it as you do.
Whoever said that was right. I was a fool to think that I could walk out of that storm and remain unchanged. My personality has changed and the general way I look at life has changed. If Michael was to write his own version of chronicles, I would probably go down in his books as the hardest women he’s ever had to deal with…and so would any other man out there that’s had the misfortune of dealing with me since my divorce. Be they a friend or possible suitor, I simply cannot take anything that a man says at face value, worse if that man has an already established reputation of being untrustworthy around women.
For someone who had very little faith in men before getting married, and for someone who had that very faith broken in reality after trusting and taking a chance, I am back to being that sceptical woman who has a hard time trusting anything that passes through a man’s lips. If anything, I think I am worse than I was eight years ago! I have been told that with prayer and with time, I will start trusting again. You think??
And my prayer indeed is, Lord grant me this miracle!
And so to close off that chapter from the previous chronicle, Let’s just say that I am still more of an Oliver kind of girl than an Anton. Vintage all the way baby. (This one is for my AUL readers. 😉
My next highlight, obviously stemming from all these changes am going through comes from a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently.
She asked me; “Nisha, do you think there’s a man out there that will ever be good enough for you?”
Of course I took offense to her line of inquiry because I felt like she was saying something is wrong with me. But like they say, the truth hurts.
It is a fact I am at a point in my life where I feel it is not possible to find a man that will meet the standards am looking for in a partner. This is not to say that there are no good men out there, I just haven’t had the privilege of meeting any.
Someone close to me cautioned me to not always paint men so dark and he was right. I do not have a lot of good things to say about men and somehow, I think I set myself up for this one…somehow. Remember how I first shared my article about my divorce, from that time I’ve had thousands of women messaging me and sharing their marital problems and what scares me the most is that all the men keep coming off as if they were born from the same woman and nurtured under the same conditions that made them turn out to be like dogs on heat.
So yeah, I kinda have issues with men, deep issues so forgive me.
All of these experiences have gotten to me so much that I have started praying to God to start showing me husbands that are different, the good ones. I am desperately searching for women out there that can tell me; Nisha my man is not perfect but he is loving, responsible and caring.
If I was to be a little ambitious, I would dare ask for a woman that would look me in the eye and tell me; he has never cheated on me, he’s faithful to me just as I am faithful to him…as opposed to statements like “even though he cheated or beat me up, he’s shown remorse and he has done everything to fix our marriage.
But as reality would have it, people make it seem as if asking for a man that doesn’t cheat is the same as asking for a perfect man. I mean, can’t his weakness be something like; he’s not well-endowed, he’s short-tempered, he’s bad at communication, etc…why does it always have to be cheating? Now, before someone stones me, I am very much aware that women cheat too!
But, here’s what I know about cheating wives, it’s either she’s out to even out scores with her hubby, OR, she’s just a whore. Forgive my French, I am not known for my subtlety. The trouble with cheating wives is that they do it with the most unexpected people! Men do it with just about anyone! But women…. It’s the youth pastor at the local church, the seemingly quiet and reserved garden boy, that guy she’s always insisted is ‘just a friend,’ the youngest child of their best friend, the new bloke in the office, and if the husband isn’t so lucky, it’s his brother or father! Ayayai!
Once in my marriage when I considered staying for selfish reasons, I reasoned I could even out scores a lil bit. A couple of months flirting and I found myself falling for the guy I was trying to use to get back at my ex-husband! I had not even slept with the guy but there I was being all hormonal. Tsk tsk tsk. This is the trouble with us women…everything is about emotions while our men only focus on boobs, bums and chitechi.
So yeah, if you see me out there acting like being single is the coolest thing ever, please forgive me, I was once married. I am just trying to enjoy wiping off a long list of worries off my mental sheet….Until the next time I fall in-love again and bring a sudden halt to all brain activity.
This brings me to my next highlight!
There I was, in the midst of all this chaos, asking myself; is there any hope for me? I have been out of the dating game for so long and I just realized things have changed! Nothing is as it used to be.
Back in the day (yes, I just said that…I have a mind of an old person), men loved taking care of their women but the men (some) these days are afraid of spending on their women. But to be fair, there wasn’t Brazilian hair back then and nobody had even heard of Sunzu. Still, in my new adventures, I have encountered a new kind of breed; the men that want independent women, not just so they don’t have to spend on them, but because they want the women to spend on them!
I understand that there’s something sexy about an independent woman but for a man to desire to place himself under her payroll is asking too much. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with a woman taking care of her man financially but whether am a feminist or not, if the man really wants to be taken serious as the head in the relationship, at some point he will have to take certain steps to earn that role rather than sit comfortably while the woman takes on double roles, even if she’s doing so happily and willingly.
But here’s a dilemma am caught in now:
I no longer want to date a man that’s broke or doesn’t have his life figured out yet!
That’s what I told a friend of mine once, or maybe twice, three times…am not sure. But that’s what the new me is saying these days. There was a time when I thought starting a life together with a man was ideal; you build each other up and grow steadily together as opposed to finding some already rich fella that will tell you ‘get out of MY house’ when things got messy. I actually took pride in my belief and yet here I am today saying the exact opposite with the same amount of pride! What happened to me!?
What happened to me is that I once accepted a man for who he was, without money and together we made something of ourselves only to learn the hard way exactly what money can do to a man that once had nothing. And now I am afraid of a man with nothing. Just who will he become when he has something?
On the flip side, there is that type of man that has everything already figured out. He’s just waiting to add ‘trophy wife’ to his long resume and even this type doesn’t do it for me. Is there an in-between guy somewhere?? Do I even wanna meet him?
Oy. Oy. Oy!!!!
And finally, this one I just have to share because it’s both funny and sad at the same time.
You know how I was married and all…like I had a man I could legally have sex with, any time I wanted…and how I don’t have that man anymore…like I went and done revoked my own licence to have coitus! Who does that? Surely, how does one recover from that? A year ago I could just turn around on my bed and boom, it was game over. Now the only thing I boom into when I turn in my bed are my pillows! Pillows people. SMH.
The idea that I would no longer be having sex with anyone until my next marriage almost gave me a brain freeze. It’s not like I was new to the science of the Bible. That knowledge was literally curved into my scull by my parents from the moment I was born! However, it’s one thing to know the science, and a whole other thing to apply it. What’s worse about all this is, in that moment when you realize you can’t have something, that’s when your desire to have it grows!
Am I the only one who thinks life sucks sometimes?
Sometimes I ask myself, what exactly am I trying to protect? It’s not like there’s some tight membrane I have to preserve for that special one because c’mon people, I can barely remember when I bade farewell to that! The good thing is that I was quick to remember that sex outside marriage goes way beyond protecting some thin membrane. It’s a divine instruction and there are no two ways about it; you have to be married.
I wish someone can tell that to my hormones. Seriously. Jiz-Us.
So I found myself asking questions like, what exactly am I supposed to be doing during courtship? I hear that’s what it’s called, courtship, not dating. For a woman with very busy hands and an itch for adventure, what exactly am I supposed to be doing with my hands when in the company of a guy I am in-love with, Knit sweaters for our future kids? Please.
But it turns out, sex was the least of my worries. It’s my trust issues that am having hardest time dealing with. Someone told me that as Christians, we deal with sexual temptations by “talking about it.” You read that right, talking about it.
Are you kidding me!?
I kind of figure that works for some people but c’mon, I don’t think it would work for me. I am a writer, talking about sex would be a conversation of me describing what I want to do to some poor bloke and that’s the last thing they need in their brain if they want to flee! I don’t talk about sex. I just avoid being in any situation that might lead to me using my body or hands for anything other than knitting sweaters for my grandchildren. I don’t talk about sex when I am on a date. That’s equivalent to shooting yourself in the leg in my books.
The most I’ve done regarding ‘talking about sex’ with people I’ve gone out with is the initial conversation that is meant to serve as a disclaimer for future reference;
There will be no hunky-punky, ah-ah, zero, nada, zilch.
Let’s just say I’ve lost out on a couple of second dates after that kind of conversation. Ya’ll should pray for a sister.
So, it’s almost a year now since I left my marital home and even though I have not gone all out to seek a new relationship, I have still gone on a number of dates. I get bored people, and there’s only a certain number of movies, series and books one can take in a year!
It is easy to look at someone who’s going through a heart break and tell them that time will heal all wounds but nobody ever addresses the change that comes after the passage of time. Yes the wounds might be healed but the scars remain as a reminder. No matter how much you want to trust again, you keep finding yourself second-guessing your decisions. They say that if you can’t trust anyone then at least trust yourself, but what happens when it is ‘yourself’ you can’t trust?
I have been told, Trust God. Always.
I have been told many times that I should pray for God’s guidance and trust in him and honestly I think I have done both impeccably well, however, I have found through time that the actual test of my faith is accepting the reality that even with a godly-ordained love, risk is involved. For how can you put your love and trust in another imperfect human being and expect to never get bruised when you yourself are capable of inflicting that kind of harm despite your play at innocence?
Even though the Bible encourages us to not be un-equally yoked with non-believers, I was forced to come to the realization that even the seemingly holiest of people struggle with sin. They’re not perfect, nobody is. There’s risk involved with everyone and anyone. I have seen some great men of God I respect move from one woman to the next like a dog on heat and still I have seen these very men serve as God’s vessels in the most remarkable ways. Still, I have seen non-believing men show genuine love and compassion to me and others in ways that believers have not and I have been tempted to bend the scriptures to fit my feelings.
And in all of this I have had to remember the principles are signed up for when I gave my life to Christ, trusting that it will all work out in the end…even when I can see no light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes it does get very very dark.
And so the struggle continues.
I don’t know what my future looks like. I just know that at some point it will get awesome, extremely awesome. For now all I can do is hope, hope and hope.
It is either I take a risk or I continue to live a self-inflicted miserable life.
Till next time, these have been my chronicles!