Zed Gossip Girl – Cup 1

  • Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, something inspired by the original TV show Gossip Girl except with a complete localised twist! Let me state again that this is an absolute work of fiction and everything written here, even if it has any bearing to a real life situation IS NOT real. 

My name is Tisa. Of course that’s not my real name but you know what the real funny story here is, it is that you all know me. I am that girl who’s everywhere you are and sees everything you do. Nah, am not saying am God, am just saying am nosey, very very nosey. Ya’ll just pass me by and act like I don’t exist but guess what, ya’ll about to find out about my existence right now because it’s about to go down!

So here is what got me started. I was hanging somewhere with a bunch of my so-called-friends (again yes, they don’t know am their friend but still I like to think of myself as one of them) when news about Natasha’s impending nuptials hit my eardrums. The horror! Oh dear, I think I just raptured my jaw typing that. I mean, who the devil looked at Natasha and thought; “Heavens behold, I have found my missing rib?” Is it really a rib they’re missing or a brain?? Now, before you judge me, I have my reasons for hatin on her like this but we will get to that later.

I am coming to you live from Univille. Univille is like the most popular, number one exclusive University in the country. Thousands fight to get a place here and don’t get me started on what some girls do just to ensure they secure themselves a place at this elite school. If you go to any club, workplace or church and tell them you’re from Univille, they’ll let you right through to their VIP sections…of course in church they’ll be rushing to pray for you, binding all them demons that people say students at this school have.
I was going to say that I cannot tell you the things I have seen at this school but guess what, I am telling you right now so…HAHAHA. But seriously though, the things I have seen at this school and even outside of it are the kind of things you can’t unsee once your retina goes into work mode. At first I was repulsed but later I thought to myself, “this is actually juicy!”

So there is this clique of women busy making headlines and calling themselves local celebrities and everyone is treating them like they’re some sort of gods or something. I am talking about Natasha, Nsamwa, Michello, Bianca, and not forgetting the notorious twins Tandy and Wendy and everyone else that hangs around them like handbags. Every time I go online it’s their names or faces I see;

Natasha is representing Zambia in Washington at the bla and bla Conference

Michello releases new gospel album

Eh Socialite Bianca wows in White Gown at the so and so Awards

Nsamwa Encourages Women to be Independent

Fashion Queens Tandy and Wendy launch their Summer Fashion Show

Now let me get straight to business, the juicy part of today’s gossip. Last week everyone on social media joined the coolest clique on campus and the country over in celebrating Nsamwa’s pregnancy.  I mean, the pictures were everywhere! And don’t let me get started on the stupid hashtags. Its like being pregnant these days is the latest fashion statement.

Everyone knows who Nsamwa is but still let me officially introduce her. Nsamwa is a fourth year History Major, School of Education here at Univille. She is best friends with the leader of the Cool Clique Clan Natasha. Apparently they’ve known each other since high school. Natasha is an Economics major, School of Humanities and Social Sciences. It’s a ‘mystery’ how she even made it to fourth year considering she has an IQ in the negatives but I guess if God can part the Red Sea, then anything is possible in this world.
So turns out Nsamwa is three months pregnant, not married by the way but she’s carrying her stomach around like she’s about to have an immaculate birth when everyone knows she’s been everywhere and probably doesn’t even know who the father of the child is. But that’s not even the issue here.

The deal here is that I know who the father of Nsamwa’s baby is and ya’ll about to find out too! And please, do feel free to quote me on this one because it’s an epic one.
The father to Nsamwa’s baby is none other than good looking fella everyone calls State Counsel John, the Honourable Minister of Home Affairs but I like to call him The ‘Hornarable’ Minister of Home Affairs. He is one of the youngest MP’s ever in the history of Zambia at age twenty-six but he could also be the horniest human to have ever hit earth after King Solomon.

And yes, he is the same guy that’s dating Natasha and the two of them are soon to announce their engagement to the public according to the gossip I heard from my not-so-good friends over the weekend. Here’s how my teacher of English would have loved me to summarise this bit of info: Nsamwa was impregnated by John, the fiancé to Natasha her best friend. In total Ignorance, Natasha prepared a posh baby shower to celebrate her best friend’s pregnancy and had her man sponsor the event not knowing all this while that the man was paying for his own baby mama’s celebrations.

Yep, he knows it’s his baby and I have the receipts to show for it. HAHA.
Now, before the whole gang comes for me, when that baby is born, get a DNA test ya’ll. You’ll see I aint spilling sour juice here. And Tash love, do ask your best pal Sam-sam where she was last Friday night while you were in the lib cramming for your Monday Test.

Here’s what we all should know: 
Natasha and Nsamwa have been best pals since Senior High, shouldn’t be surprising considering they come from the same background. It’s a Paris-Nicole kind of relationship and we all know how that went down. They both have very rich parents with businesses all over the country. They’re both spoiled and have a sense of entitlement that could light up the whole country if ever the Kariba ran completely dry. They take what they want and they steal what they can’t normally have.

Naturally Natasha is the most popular one because  her parents have more money and she is prettier than Nsamwa…although I have to admit Nsamwa has the better boobs. It’s no wonder the ‘hornarable’ Minister couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Natasha is saucy, of a fair complexion, very beautiful with or without make-up, very outspoken too but she is also as dumb as she is beautiful. It’s a crazy paradox. Oh wait, no it aint! LOL

Natasha is a total diva. Gets her weight felt everywhere she goes and women love to hate her mostly because she’s someone they’ll never be but wish they could be. I am one of those women that hate her like that. She might be dumb book-wise but she’s street smart and he has a good brain for business…as long as someone else does the math for her that is. At age 23 she’s running a beauty parlour with branches in four major cities in the country and she is also in charge of her parent’s chain of malls across the country. She is tall, very slender…and am being very kind here because we all know she is of the same form as the figure 11. She looks hot in everything she wears, speaks brilliant English and French thank God for rich parents. I really really hate this girl. She is so perfect on paper she should be a sin, which she is fortunately! Mxxxxm.

Nsamwa on the other hand is also very beautiful, very light in complexion but she pulls off an even prettier look with her 360 degree lace front and 72 inches Brazillian weave, fake lashes and Jezebel-like long pointed and decorated fake nails. She could almost pass for a natural beauty with all them fake things out but still her beauty is the kind that would require some lip-gloss to give it that extra shine from the distance. I don’t like her much as well but not as much as I loathe Natasha. I don’t like Nsamwa for the very reasons I don’t like her pal but still, I don’t completely hate her because her flaws are just too loud to ignore….like me. She is always number two to Natasha and she knows this fact very well. We all see that look in her eyes in the pictures.

Let’s also not forget that Nsamwa is not the most beautiful in the group, Tash is. Her parents aren’t the richest; she is not as thin as she would like to be. She actually looks like she binge-eats and then secretly goes into the bathroom to puke out everything. I can tell because she always looks hungry and sad. Her slender figure looks forced, like she starves herself to look that fit. If she isn’t forcing a smile on her face, she looks like she ran out on the nurses in Ward 9 at the University teaching Hospital. I always feel like feeding her something every time I run into her on campus. She is so imperfect that I bet God had no choice but to bless her with rich parents to give her everything she desires. That’s the part I like about her.

I know, I am wicked. My mother has tried four religions so far to find a cure for me. She used to be a Christian originally, but she gave up on that because she thought God wouldn’t forgive her despite her repentance. She actually thinks am her punishment since I was born as a result of her affair with a married man. She is probably somewhere on a hill right now facing Mecca, petitioning Allah to release the curse that’s me.

“I am still here mother, Eid Mubarak to you. I know you will one day come across this and your hands will instinctively do that Catholic cross thingy you used to do when I was a rebellious teen because let’s face it, you’re a Catholic Muslim right now just like you’ve been a Catholic Buddhist and Catholic Hindu.”

Yes, I have mother issues, who doesn’t?

Back to our subject, unlike Natasha, Nsamwa is intelligent. I can place her IQ to be slightly over 120. She doesn’t struggle with her studies much and is very articulate. Where her best pal prides herself as a successful business lady, Nsamwa prides herself as an Inspirational and motivational speaker. You will see, very soon she will be preaching messages about being a single mother and what not kaili she’s gotten knocked-up out of wedlock. She will sell that bullcrap and people will eat it up like no man’s business, including mothers with adolescent girls.  Nsamwa can talk a ten year old into getting an abortion even when it’s obvious the kid isn’t sexually active and hasn’t reached puberty yet! She once convinced me I would be happier being single and independent that I went and dumped my imaginary boyfriend. She is the reason I am very angry and bitter right now…well, maybe not the only reason but oh well….

Here’s what most people don’t know.

Nsamwa hates Natasha’s guts. And the feeling is mutual. The two girls both hate each other but they’re still friends because they can’t afford to have each other as enemies. They know too much about each other and they’re worlds basically revolve around each other’s. However, Nsamwa looks about ready to kick Natasha out of the queen spot and with this baby on the way, I can see that happening very soon. Watch this space fellas, hormones are about to get manifested all up in this place soon.

Don’t ask me how I know about all of this but there are some important conversations that happened at Thandy and Wendy’s birthday party a couple years back. That’s where ‘Hornarable’ John met the beautiful Natasha and her whole gang. You know the famous twins right? Very short, excited but very talented and average looking fashion designers. They’re known on campus as the ‘Relay Lovers’ because they exchange lovers for money. When one is tired to attend to a blesser, the other picks it up and drives the poor bastard to eternal damnation. And the poor sods never suspect anything.

It all started in the lounge, at the two story mansion where the whole gang lives. The house belongs to Nsamwa’s parents who are real-estate gurus but they allowed their daughter to live there with her friends provided she collected rent from them for her upkeep. The house is just a few minutes-drive from campus so the girls can easily move to and from, even on foot if they feel like…something that’s yet to happen.

The girls were dancing and drinking in the lounge when Nsamwa appeared from upstairs with her boyfriend Felix on her side. Felix is the president of the student council, a very mysterious fellow but he is very popular because he is the handsome son of the Vice Chancellor and has been head of the student council for three straight years, not through nepotism as you would naturally expect, but shockingly through democracy! People actually voted for him. And when I say People, I mean women. I don’t think I need to explain anymore.

“Was wondering where you guys disappeared to.” Natasha remarked.

She was sitting in the huge teddy-bear-like shaped purple one-seater with a glass of red wine in her hands. Everything about the way she was seated looked animated and yet she appeared comfortable. Her hair, clothes and make-up were perfectly in place, as always and her minions where all gathered around her gossiping about everyone else at the party.

“Thought we had a bit of fun just the two of us before this place gets crowded…I can see that’s already happened.” Nsamwa said, looking around the room and outside where the party was actively happening.

“How many people did we invite again?” Nsamwa directed the question at Bianca who was the unofficial events planner in the group.

I have juice about this ‘coloured’ chick too, just like I will spill lemons about the notorious twins just hold on to your seats tight.

“One hundred.” Bianca answered, she to scanning the place.

“It doesn’t look like they’re hundred people here, more like one thousand.” Nsamwa said.

“You know how these people get about our parties,” Thandy said. She then put her arm across her sister’s shoulder. “It’s not every day we get to celebrate our 22nd birthday so just loosen up and embrace the numbers everyone!”

There were a few laughs across the room.

“She’s right,” Natasha said. “I actually think the more people, the merrier it becomes. Cheers.” She raised her glass and they all followed suit.

Nsamwa beckoned for the server to come to them. “Bring me the bottle of wine and the glasses I left up in my room, right now.”

“Yes Miss.” The young female server said and ran up the stairs.

Nsamwa then looked in the direction of the white two seater where Mercy and Chilekwa were seated and instinctively, the two girls stood up.

“We’re going to go outside and dance!” Chilekwa took Mercy’s hand and the two of them ran outside. Nsamwa and her boyfriend sat down.

“I thought your friend would be here by now.” Natasha said to Felix.

“You mean John?” He said, smiling. “He actually called while we were upstairs that’s why we came down. He’s five minutes away, should be any second from now.”

“And you’re only saying that now!” Natasha jumped from the comfy sofa. “I need to fix my face before he gets here.”

“You look perfect, what do you need to fix?” Felix said.

Nsamwa gave him a look and he spoke no more. “You look just fine Tash.” She said.

“Give me five seconds, will be right back!” Natasha rushed upstairs.

It was while she was upstairs busy fixing her already perfect face that John appeared. His presence was first announced by the excited female voices outside before he appeared at the door.

“I thought the cops at the door wouldn’t let me in.” John said, smiling.

Felix got up to welcome his friend. “Those were sent by Elina’s dad, your boss and our very own Vice President Dr Nkandu.”

Elina waved at him from across the room. She was blushing from head to toe.

“Don’t tell your father I was here Elina.” The young minister joked.

“Too late, got the pictures for social media already.” Nsamwa was waving the camera in her hand at him as she approached him for a hug.

“I don’t know if am allowed to say this but gosh, you smell like heaven.” John said whilst hugging her.

A very flattered Nsamwa smiled. “Thank you.” She said. “Welcome to our humble abode. What’s your poison of choice?”

“I feel very welcome already.” He said, a naughty glint in his eye as he took in every inch of her.

Felix quickly moved in to protect his territory. “This one is mine Mr. Wait for yours, she’s upstairs getting ready to make you feel very at home. Meet my girlfriend, Nsamwa, this is my friend Felix, the youngest human in the cabinet right now.”

“It’s my pleasure to finally meet you Sir.” Nsamwa shook his hand.

“Please, call me John, I insist.”

“Alright John, welcome to our home once more.”

“Thank you for inviting me. I like the atmostphere here.” He was looking straight into her eyes.”

Felix quickly moved to stand between them. “Let me introduce you to the rest of the gang.”

John turned to Nsamwa before following his friend. “Get me whisky, the oldest you have in the building.”

Nsamwa chuckled lightly. “Definitely.” She said.

Three minutes later, the queen herself appeared.

“Mamma Mia, Felix said you were beautiful but my gosh, you’re breath-taking.” Mr Hornyman said as he hugged the woman who was to reign over his small brain in a little while.

“I love your cologne.” Natasha was on her best behavior.

“Credit goes to my shampoo and the lovely Nsamwa over there.” He pointed to where Nsamwa was standing with his Whiskey in hand, just a few feet away from them. She had been walking towards him when Natasha appeared by his side and she stopped dead in her tracks.

“Nsamwa?” Natasha was glaring at her friend with a puzzled expression on her face.

“I hugged him there by the door when Felix introduced us.” Nsamwa quickly appeared to explain the situation. “My perfume must have-“

“She left her mark all over me.” John said, a huge grin on his face.

“You make it sound like something forbidden John.” Felix said. “I see politics have only made you worse.”

The four of them laughed.

But Natasha wasn’t laughing for long. She nudged Nsamwa a few minutes later and asked;

“What was that all about?”

I bet you’re all dying to know what happened next but sit still for now gossipers.

Till the next time, I am your Zed Gossip Girl,




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