Would you dare get married again?
This is the question I get asked often, this and “are you ready to start dating again?” Because I am a divorcee, somehow people expect me to loathe the idea of marriage. They tell me they would understand if I said “Hell nah, aint doing no marriage no more!” If I could paint the looks on some of the faces that ask me this question, I would be somewhere up there with the Picasso’s of the world.
Quite alright I was skeptical about the whole concept of marriage during the time of the divorce but after the water settled a bit and I got on the road to healing, I started to see things differently. It was not the whole institution of marriage that failed me, NO, it was two people that somehow couldn’t function well together that made that marriage not to work out.
I will admit it’s a little scary to think about marriage when day in and day out you read about how miserable some folks are in their marriages and you start to wonder why the hell people even congratulate you for getting married when it’s such a tumultuous institution. But then I look at the society we are living in and it all suddenly makes sense. Because I have been on the other side of the fence before, it’s a little easier for me to sift through the mess that society has made of humans…or should that be the other way round??
That being said, in as much as I don’t loathe the idea of marriage, I am absolutely in no rush to get back into it. If it was possible to turtle-walk towards this calling, I would gladly put on the hard shell and hit the slow button. There is just something about being single again after marriage. It’s both shocking and exhilarating at the same time. Like, not so long ago I thought I would never get to do some of the things am able to do now that am single but also, there’s this whole bunch of things I CAN’T do or have lost access to by virtue of not being married anymore.
In my previous chronicles I lamented about how tough I found the prospect of getting back on the market again was and how I hated the dating scene that’s currently trending but in today’s Chronicle, I am happy to announce that I have my foot steady on the ground and I think am all good to go now. Of course, it wasn’t all smooth sailing and if one of my ex’s who’s still a great buddy of mine was to testify, he would say;
No, Nisha, you might think you’re ready now but you are too trigger-happy.
He means that despite being open to meeting new people, am too quick to dismiss them even before a date ends. I had a lengthy and very interesting conversation about this with him that made me want to share parts of it with you guys. Was he right in saying am too trigger-happy? Of course he was! Should I be concerned about this? At this point I can safely say no need but am still gonna leave the jury to deliberate on this a little while longer. So the question to answer right now should be: Why have I been so dismissive of men lately?
This development is so different from the one to do with trust issues and yet somehow, they intertwine at some point. To trust someone, I need to first give them the opportunity to prove they can be trusted, and naturally that means putting myself in a vulnerable position. Unfortunately, what am doing in my trigger-happy new adventures is that I don’t even give guys the chance to position themselves in a place where I can test that trust. I simply bail out the moment I notice one thing I don’t like or anything that’s remotely close to what existed in my marriage. I like to think of this as me being wise and learning from my mistakes…as in, am able to identify warning signs faster than the average person and before it’s too late I pull out and save both of us some time.
However, according to my very good friend Bryan, I am tipping the scale at the wrong end. In his words, am too trigger-happy. He cautioned me against being too quick to dismiss people prematurely because sometimes it takes time to get to know people for who they really are.
And yes, I agreed with him. Don’t you just hate it when an ex says something sensible?
Like I said last time, a few things have changed about me as a result of my experiences. The change is so much that I think my taste in men has completely changed altogether! What I found attractive before I got married now functions as a litmus test for what I ought to scrutinize thoroughly. I wish I could tell you guys what my new kind of man should be…or is like??? Nah, am kidding…but let’s leave this gossip for another chronicle insert. 😉
So now am carrying myself around with a new kind of excitement. I look forward to uncovering what the future is hiding especially in my dating life and I can confidently say that yes, I would dare get married again because marriage with the right person…a union of two people actively working together to make their relationship successful is a beautiful thing. I was a lone soldier before and that’s why things were tough and eventually I lost grip and things fell apart. But imagine if I had someone holding the walls up with me? Wouldn’t that have been a jolly good ride? Hell yeah!
So tell me again why you think I should hate the idea of marriage?
Still, for now, I am at that point in time where being ‘unmarried’ feels so great it should be a sin. I’m not rushing to get tied down just yet. There is just something about the taste of freedom, it’s bloody fantastic! That is…until the loneliness kicks in of course and you start craving for certain things like most humans were programmed to. Yikes.
But for now it’s a rosy ride and I hope it continues on this trajectory for a little while longer.
Until the next time, these are my chronicles.
Stay positive! 😊