The Woman I Wish You Were

I wish you would stop pretending.

Pretending that everything is okay when it feels like your world is crumbling down around you. I wish you could stop acting like a superwoman and just fall down and cry. I wish you could just let it all out and tell the world how tired you are. I wish that for once you would stop putting everyone ahead of yourself…just once…that you could put yourself first and just love yourself before you attempt to love anyone else. I wish you could stop for a minute, look into the mirror and realize just how different the woman looking back at you is from the woman you ought to be. For once, just this once, I wish you would not give a dame and just run wild, run to that place in your heart that you buried the day you decided it was okay to not be happy. I wish that for once, you would stop pretending to be happy and actually be happy.

I wish you would stop running.

Running from a past you cannot change and a future you cannot see. I wish you would stop seeing evil in everything and reading into reality things that aren’t in existence. I wish you could stop telling yourself stories about how not good enough you are and how undeserving of true love you are. I wish you would get a set of brand new eyes that would show you just how beautiful you are and just out of the ordinary you are. I wish I could make you see that just because he said he isn’t that into you does not mean you do not meet the mark….but that you are so damn good a weak man like him could not fathom just how a woman like you could consider a man like him…that instead of admitting his smallness to your face, he chose to save face so that he doesn’t have to work so hard to satisfy a woman like you. Oh, how I wish you would stop running from yourself and just accept who you are; a brilliant woman that does not need to seek validation in a man, a courageous woman that embraces her demons and chokes them to death with her bare hands because they have no business pretending to be a part of her. But how can you achieve all this when you keep running…running from your true self?

I wish you could stop lying to yourself

Lying that he will change. I wish you could see him for what he truly is. I wish you could stop trying to fix the 20 that’s missing from your 80. I understand you want to be a 100 to him but he keeps seeking that 20 from Felicia, Fantasia and Muntinta but you see Tisa, that 20 you think you’re missing is in no way a reflection of your weakness but rather his because despite knowing you’re human, he’s been expecting perfection from you when he too is missing a 20…no wait, it’s now a 40 because he took on your 20 when he became too weak to handle your perfect imperfections. I wish you did not have to wait for him to bring another woman’s baby into your home when he makes ‘another’ mistake just so you can feel you are the only special one he loves because he keeps coming back home to you. I wish you could stop entertaining other men because they make you feel so loved when the one at home is too busy chasing skirts to give you the attention he vowed to give you thirteen years ago. I wish you would not turn into a bad woman just to please a man that’s not good enough for you.

I wish you would stop being so desperate.

Desperate enough to stop giving yourself breathing space after every broken relationship. I wish you would stop jumping from one man to another because you are so scared of being alone. I wish you would stop planning out your wedding themes and aligning your life’s goals with those of a man that’s yet to ask you out on a date…that’s if he ever does. I wish you would stop seeing marriage opportunities in every man that glances your way and just enjoy your own company for a little while. I wish you would stop trying to get everyone to like you because you think that’s what makes a wife material. I wish for once you stop searching for happiness in another and just learn to love yourself more before you can attempt to love another. For how can you expect a man to love a woman that doesn’t find herself worthy of even her own love?

I wish you could be all these things and more; a courageous woman.



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