Dating: For the Woman in her Late Twenties…and Above

I have been doing a lot of dating lately. A LOT. Am telling ya. I should be ashamed, but am not. LOL. Am 29 years old, a secondary single (I am really trying to avoid using the D-word in this post HAHA). I am swimming in it, backflips and butterfly strokes…you name it. It’s so much fun when you’re dating without the pressure of having to corner some poor bloke to marry you asap hanging over your head. Sheesh. It’s like taking a bite of whatever chocolate type you desire without worrying about putting on weight. Btw, I don’t mean bite literally. K-ching. 😉

It’s so hard to find the RIGHT guy! It’s so freaking hard. Now, am not saying that there aren’t many good guys out there. There actually are plenty of good guys if you’re found in the right places…notice how I avoided saying “if you’re looking in the right places?”

Here’s my issue: yes there are great guys, but what about the ones that actually rhyme with me, with my lifestyle/expectations, my personality, other people call them “my type.” I know, it makes one sound obnoxious putting it like that “my, my, my…MY” but the truth is, whether we like to admit it or Not, when we are trying to get to know someone with the possibility of them being a mate, we kind of tend to be very selfish in terms of what attracts that person to us and why we would want them to be our partners, mates…whatever you like to call it.

So, what’s dating like in the late twenties? It’s not always easy but ama tell you this: it’s so different from how it used to be when we were in our teens or early twenties. At 29, chances are that you’re not a virgin so fellas kind of just straight out ask if you wanna go in a dark corner (am being very kind with my words here btw). They don’t even bother with the chit-chat, promises of marriage or a packet of vanilla biscuits. They just get down to the business. It’s bloody awful! First of all, at age 29, you pretty much know exactly what you’re looking for.. .especially if you’re not just looking to be called Mrs Somebody don’t matter what the Mr look or act like…umhu. This piece is for women that know what they want, what they deserve, and are not willing to settle for less. So let me tell you a bit about the type of John’s you’re likely to come across…if you haven’t already!

The young stud, easy on the eye but hard on the heart. Am talking about that guy that’s got all the right markings of the perfect guy…until you get to know him better.  Doesn’t even take very long for the mask to fall off. The type that likes well-established women so he can leach off of them, drives your car, always asking for favors, he be creeping in every girl’s DM but wanting boyfriend benefits from you except he doesn’t wanna act like one (only at times when it benefits him to do so). Young, lacking in ambition and as horny as a goat. You don’t want this type anywhere near your daughter….or grandma (if she’s loaded). At age 28, 29, if you are a hustler or got a job somewhere, you’ll meet plenty of this type.

Then there’s that guy in his mid-thirties whose family is hounding him to settle down but he has zero desire to marry so he’s just gonna find some lady that’s desperate for marriage, make her marriage dreams come true and then continue to live the life of a bachelor, unrepentantly. I call him the Married Bachelor. Know anyone like this? Oh dear, you’re probably married to him, aren’t you? Ayayai.

You’ve dated this type before and if you’re my type of woman it explains why you’re still single because you weren’t desperate enough to fall into this trap. If you married such a one, me and my women’s prayer group will hold hands for you at our next meeting. Amen. 🙏🙏🙏 

The guy that really wants to settle down but he expects you to audition for the role of wife while he sits back in the chair and watches with a smirk on his face. I call him The Director. You find this type in lawyers, doctors, the finance guy/banker…you know, these fancy professions that our forefathers thought were so cool…and also in men with egos larger than their manhood. Some have money, loads of it actually and others are just big on paper but broke…but they’re believable! This type feels entitled. They’ll tell you things like “you know, my mates kept pushing me to date a fellow lawyer or doctor but I told them nah, I want a homely kind of wife.” By the way, that’s not a compliment, it’s an insult and it’s not even veiled. I really hate this type of guy so am gonna focus on him a bit longer because I have experienced him both directly and indirectly.

Mr hotshot aka The Director insists on paying the bill even when you offer and passes comments like “am the man, I should pay.” He prides himself on having XY chromosomes and treats women as inferior. He expects a very traditional wife that worships him like a god. On a first date, he will ask questions like “how many kids do you want?” And when you say two he will counter with “I want 4. You will have to come to terms with that when we’re married. It’s called compromise.” This type is possessive and will most likely get physical if or when he feels ‘disrespected.’ Which will happen a lot.

And then we have the Overcompensator (OC). This guy is probably short in stature…which usually equals huge ego. And on the further end of the spectrum is the guy with a very short penis…and I mean short as in minute. Don’t flinch, I can talk about these things because – evidently, am not a virgin and I was once married! The OC type of guy overdoes everything! The romance, the spending, the bragging, the lovemaking, everything I tell you my friend. Everything. You can read more about him in one of Sigmund Freud’s publications, he can’t be discussed comprehensively here…literally and figuratively. But I will say this though, with the right partner that’s very patient and understanding, guys that aren’t well endowed can still work things out sexually, provided he’s willing to learn and communicate his insecurities as opposed to overdoing things.

The Holy guy…this one amuses me actually. He could be a pastor or he could be just an overzealous Christian. You know the type that always greets you with “am blessed” and calls you “my sister” even when he’s romantically attracted to you? This guy prays in tongues, loudly…no, let me write that like this: VERY LOUDLY. You can literally imagine God turn off heaven’s audio whenever this guy starts praying (for the faint-hearted, am joking.) He’s a showman in church, every act is calculated but women love him because they want a “God-fearing man.” He is so perfect on the proverbs and Corinthians paper You can even picture him playing the role of Jesus in the Passion of the Christ movie. Except, get to know him and you discover he’s not very educated, not well read apart from Christian inspirational books, he’s broke and literally relies on “faith” for his next meal…I mean, literally. Zero ambitions, to him God is the answer to everything…by this I mean even finding a job so he can move out of his parent’s house and pay his own rent at age 39. Manna shall fall from heaven abale ni alongo. Please note, that guy that keeps insisting that he got a message from God that you’re his future bride is also found in this category.

And then we have the guy that can’t take a hint, Mr. Relationshippii. (Btw, that’s not a typo.) You went on a date with him once, you didn’t like him so you subtly turned him down but he doesn’t get it. Next thing you hear is him calling you pet names like honey, baby, you’re even his dp on WhatsApp. He’s already naming your future babies ninshi iwe you even deleted his number. This one is never going to go away. Am not lying. He will always be in the background lurking around and hoping that you finally come to your senses and go to him.

We also have ‘Mr Clueless.’ I had the misfortune of meeting such a type not so long ago. Am telling you, this guy had no idea how to treat a lady. He’s good-looking, lukewarm ambitious kind. He appears kind, but only as a human, not as a gentleman. Knows nothing about holding doors or ladies first (not that I look for such but it’s nice to know someone is at least aware of them). This guy can’t make you feel safe, AT ALL. Hes the type that will run and forget about you if u ever encounter dangerous animals on the streets and then he will text you two hours later to ask what you’re up to…as if nothing dramatic had happened earlier. He’s absolutely clueless you will feel like hugging him and teaching him about life and dating every now and then. He’s been dumped all his dating life and has zero idea why but meet him for ten minutes and immediately you know why.

Recently I met a new type of guy: Mr ‘Alright’ guy. Good looking, 6 feet tall’ish, he’s a sexy human species by all accounts, looks, personality, everything but he’s just eeeeeh. You know, eeeeeh. For some reason there’s just no spark. Lol. Kulizee mumala, but your heart always skips a bit when you look at his glory stature. He could actually be yours. But there’s just something missing. It’s just not there. What is it? You don’t know. Are you crazy? Maybe. But still, you just ain’t feeling him. This type is the reason people call single women in their late twenties to thirties difficult. He’s the reason people keep asking you “what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you find a man that satisfies you?” You’ll hear things like, you’re high maintenance, you’re too difficult to please, you need to lower your standards, you gonna die single, all your mates are getting married – you’re embarrassing your family, what exactly are you looking for in a man that you haven’t found up to Now?

I’m looking for a raging fire, a storm, am looking for quality, for substance. Am looking for something that picks the interest of my whole being and not just my hormones. I might be getting old but let me tell you this, if you’re not gonna spend every single moment of the rest of my life with that person you want me to settle for, then please get behind me Satan.  This is my life, I would rather be lonely alone than be lonely with some stranger guised as my better half. And did I mention: this is MY life?

Happy dating to the late twenties going up! Cheers! 🥂🥂 Make it fun, make it worthwhile, and most importantly, learn something and be better. 🍹

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