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Can I not human today, please?

Sometimes what we do for a living or the hobbies we indulge in frequently
have a way of defining the way we look at things in life. Sometimes we are aware of this and sometimes we aren’t. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it isn’t. I had both the fortune and misfortune of meeting someone a couple of days ago that taught me something about myself I wasn’t even aware of.

“You look lonely, like you would rather be anywhere else but,” he said.

He was right. I was in a crowd but I was lonely. I crave an active social life but I also loathe humaning. Human interaction requires that we not only hear what others are saying, but that we listen. When I listen to people, three things are likely to happen; Either I will be bored, entertained, or surprised. I have a mind that processes things faster than the average human. I calculate and make deductions, sometimes at my own peril.

I have a tendency to play all possible scenarios of how a moment in future is likely to unfold by viewing it from all possible angles. I have had interactions with people that were more thrilling in my head than they were in reality. I dare not talk about my romantic endeavors lest I raise the eyebrows of past and future lovers. I pick up queues, body language, and I create stories in my head about the people I am looking at even before they say a word to me. I am the type that will notice someone’s affection towards another and be in the dark about others affections towards me. Or worse, my own towards others.

When people speak to me, I listen, not only to the things they say, but also to the things they don’t say. I am of the belief that the absence of something does not necessarily exclude it from consideration. Sometimes that very absence might be the essence of everything present and visible to the naked eye. All of these things happen in my head. And then I look forward to being surprised. Perhaps this could be why I find human interaction both daunting and exhilarating.

I have found that 65% of the time the stories I tell myself about people are accurate. And because I already know who they are and how they’re likely to fare in a conversation, I get bored. I have nothing more to look forward to. This is in no way a fault of theirs. It’s absolutely a shortcoming on my part. Maybe now that am aware of it, I can fix it. Haha. Over time, I have discovered that people in high positions, or ambitious people I interview or interact with socially and professionally in leadership positions or those pursuing or seeking leadership roles behave in almost similar ways.

A larger percentage are calculative in their interactions while a few take a back seat and watch the scenes unfold before them, waiting to grab the bull by its horns the moment a chance presents itself. While the former creates opportunities for themselves, the latter wait for opportunities to present themselves. I find both types of leaders interesting, because what you don’t find in one, you find in the other. At the end of the day, they’re all after the same things; acceptance, recognition, and a seat at the table.

More often than not, I have been bored by both types. And because I am one of them, I sure as hell have bored my fair share! LOL

Now that I’ve said this out loud, I can see why I find the ragged-looking struggling artist sexier than the suited up lawyer. LOL. The former is most likely to engage my creative juices while the latter might seduce my intellect, briefly. Now who I end up in bed with? That isn’t anybody’s business! *tongueout*

I would say the same about those pursuing romantic conquests. I would know because I am both the worst and best of them. What I need to know I don’t. What I shouldn’t know, I know. I am like the love guru for most of my friends and yet my love life closet is filled with skeletons.

For someone accustomed to chasing the thrill in human interaction, in a room packed with seemingly overzealous and ambitious men and women, I will approach the unassuming door bouncer, the server that’s rushing to put food on the table as she silently wishes the room would disappear so she could be home with her babies. Sometimes I approach the cleaner, or the driver waiting on the sidelines for the party to finish so he can ferry the costumed faces back to their private realities. I reach out these people because they almost always have a raw story to tell.

And then there are those moments when I take a back seat to watch everything unfold before me. To listen to the things that are not being said despite the loud echoing sounds of inflated egos and bruised esteems. Unfortunately, while I am taking all of this in, there is always someone else watching me.

“You look bored,” they will tell me. “You are anti-social,” they say. The courageous ones will even tell me, “you act like you are better than everyone else. You act too boogie.” You can literally see their chins dripping in disdain for the person they think you are because just like you, they’ve used the things you have not said to create stories about who they think you are.

But where do you even begin to tell these folks that the reason you look bored is because you are a prisoner of your own mind?

I relish in my ability to create stories about people for my own entertainment. Now whether these stories are accurate or not is never an issue. The idea is that I have successfully put people in positions and scenes in my head and made them do things I think their characters are capable of doing. It’s like having the power to unmask people at a masquerade ball without them knowing. The only unfortunate thing about this ability is that sometimes you remove actual faces and place masks on them based off your illusions and delusions. But this is exactly why I look forward to being surprised. The reason why I find human interaction both daunting and thrilling.

I am shamelessly turned on by the idea that maybe on this day I will meet someone who will go off script and throw me a curve ball. I am thoroughly thrilled by all possibilities, except disrespect. This is probably the reason why 60% of my past lovers are either douchebags and psychopaths, or both. As they say, like-minds attract.

When the wanton stranger said I looked bored, I was fascinated. How I would love to paint a portrait of myself looking less than human amongst fully-functioning humans! Whatever inferences he drew upon gazing on the seemingly lonely portrait, I hope he was able to see the large crowd dancing in her head.

I am always in good company. 😉

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