Soundtrack: 🎶 Sober – by Taps🎶
Deep scars. Deep deep scars. Anger. Resentment. Regret. Chaos. Darkness. Hopelessness. Death.
When they tell you that it’ll all get better in time. It’s absolute nonsense because if they could hear the pounding of your heart, they would know your end is nearing. Yet they keep repeating, it’ll all get better…in time.
Time passes. Days turn into weeks, then months, then years. Yet your brain still remembers the pain as if it happened only yesterday. You can no longer cry out loud, because they won’t understand. When the weeks turned into months, they assumed it had all gotten better. Except, it didn’t.
You’re still breathing. You’ve never felt this great in a long time. You tell yourself you’re ready to take on new challenges. You’re bold, brave, and stronger than you’ve ever been. And yes you are. But the scars, they are there for a reason. For every new beginning you get, a message is sent to your brain, that you’ve been here before…tread carefully.
Your heart starts pounding again, your anxiety is threatening to reap your new found confidence to shreds because why, your brain still remembers the pain and it’ll do everything in its Supreme power to shield you from ever curving in. And so the fight begins again.
And again. And again. And again.
They keep telling you the reason it still hurts is because you haven’t yet healed. That maybe you haven’t forgiven. They don’t know that this isn’t about them, this is all you. Somewhere along the way, the enemy got left behind and you picked yourself up as your worst villain. Life can do that to you. Love can break you like that.
Them? They healed. They learnt from their mistakes. And they changed. They long to make amends and they get down on their knees begging you for a second chance. No, a third, maybe even a forth. If you were really counting, it’s actually a sixth chance. But your brain, your brain still remembers. Its all it ever does, remember. You embrace them with open arms but you tell them that place you both once where, it no longer exists. You wish them well and off their way you send them.
They begin a journey without you, and it is one you spent days and nights praying for. Even years. They’re loving someone else the way you wanted them to love you. You remember those days and nights you spent on your knees begging them to change, to get help. For you. For us. You kept saying. When you cried so hard your nose bled for hours. When you locked yourself in and counted the seconds as they turned into minutes, then hours, on a cold cold bathroom floor. Sobbing. When morning came and you discovered that actually, there was still plenty of room down the abyss for things to get worse. Because for a second, just a split second you thought, if they see me hurting this much, they’ll change.
You thought wrong.
You’re battling walls. You’re scratching and punching air. You call for interventions but you’re back to square one the moment the doors close. How can they all help you fight demons they know nothing about? There’s a battlefield in front of you. But you’re a lone soldier. The bullets keep coming from every angle. You keep taking fire. Mayday. Mayday. But help isn’t coming. It will never come. Before you know it, you’ve hit the ground. Dead. It’s gone. Everything you’ve ever worked hard for. Gone.
It’s all gone.
The clock never stops ticking. How is it you seem to be bruised beyond repair and they seem to be doing okay? Why is it that the victim always suffers more than the perpetrator? Why is it that a stranger gets to reap the fruits of your hardwork, your pain, and everlasting wounds? Why couldn’t they be the person they are now with you? You ask them. Proudly, they inform you that it took losing you to make them better, to make them who they are now. Deep down you know that they’ll never ever be good for you.
Because your brain still remembers.
Does it ever stop?
Complicated. They stand before you, everything you ever wished for, but also everything you wish to forget. Total amnesia. It’s a past you never wish to revisit, a present that baffles you, and a future that can never be. That’s how damaged you are. Still, you keep asking yourself, why me? Why me? Oh Lord, why me?
Time. They keep telling you. Time. You keep hearing. Time. You’re now telling yourself. What will it take to make it all go away? Just love yourself, they say. But what if you love yourself too much that it increases the risk of damages if you ever choose to surrender again? What if the price you pay now is more than the one you just finished clearing?
You tell me.
How do broken people love again?
Teach Me. Show me.
Just don’t tell me, time.
Because I want to love him like I’ve never been damaged before.
I really do.
(This piece was inspired by a scene from the Criminal Minds TV show, Season 14, Épisode 9- Broken Wing)