“I’m just not into you….”

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Do you know someone who’s just so clueless when it comes to relationships you literally have to bite your tongue to keep from constantly screaming at them to wake up and smell the coffee?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you wanted to break up with someone but you just couldn’t get yourself to do it because they were such a good person and they didn’t deserve to be hurt like that…but you just weren’t ‘feelin’ them no more?

When you are in a relationship where you feel you don’t love the person any more or that much, the obvious solution is a break-up. Unfortunately, breaking up with someone isn’t always easy. And so, some people opt to send hints (some subtle and others not so subtle) to get their feelings across. It is a cowardly way of handling things but unfortunately, it happens quite a lot!

For long term relationships, there’s a lot that has to be considered before a decision to end the relationship can be made. So I will only focus on those relationships that are just starting or about to start.

So what are some of the hints that say, “I am just not into you…?”
Phone calls and Texts
If you have been seeing someone for just a few weeks or months and a day or more goes by without hearing from them, that is the first sign right there for you to pause and re-evaluate things. Although there is no manual on how every relationship should function, there are certain phases that most relationships go through. One of those phases is right at the beginning when two people attracted to each other decide to start dating and get to know each other better. This is the butterflies in your stomach stage, you get nervous when experiencing certain things with that person for the first time, you anxiously wait for a call or text from them, you want to be with them 24/7 even when you know it’s impossible, you take six hours deciding what to wear on a date, and so on and so forth.

For me this is the most defining phase of a relationship. The pain and excitement that comes from experiencing such conflicting emotions is something that will last with you forever; it will be a constant point of reference throughout your relationship and it will determine what sort of phases your relationship will be subjected to. Unfortunately, sometimes someone might be so in-love with somebody that they forget the fact that they too need to be loved back either the same way or even better, not less. They get so absorbed into loving someone that they fail to notice the signs screaming at them for attention.

You are always the one calling, texting, checking up on someone, asking when you will get to see them, suggesting dates and so on. You excitedly plan your relationship while the other person makes no effort to contribute to the excitement. And so you say, who cares if loving him/her like this makes me happy? You say, I can love him/her enough for the both of us. I say, bullshit!

I don’t know if I’m normal and I don’t expect people to do what I do but I believe that whether a relationship is new or old, there is no way a day should go by without talking to someone you claim to love unless they are in some place where such communication is impossible. The problem with some people is that they get too comfortable and stop caring as much. If in just two weeks or in those few months someone has stopped being curious or caring about you…what do you think will happen in one, two, three or four years?
Sense of Familiarity
Ever been in a relationship where you had to ask someone for permission to put their picture as your profile picture on social media or phone screen? Or you ask them why they’ve never put your picture as theirs? If you’ve been dating for only a few days or couple of months, it’s understandable to ask for permission…but I think that the moment a couple decides to go steady, then such questions shouldn’t even be asked. I know that some people might argue, ‘why do you need to publicize our relationship like that?…I like to keep my private life private…blah blah blah.’

Thing is, there is a huge difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it a secret.

There is something I have come to learn about human nature and people in-love; that when you are crazy about someone, no matter how old or mature you think you are, there is a part of you that just wants to shout it to the world even if it makes you look like a fool. I don’t know how other people love, but that’s the kind of love I want and deserve. Of course this doesn’t mean you have to constantly bombard people on social media about your relationship woes and adventures…just do enough to show you are off the market because that will save you a lot of potential problems. Do you think that engagement ring or wedding band is only a formality? It has numerous functions!

Making it work
Many times I have heard people say that change is the only constant thing in life. I am inclined to believe that. People change, people should change, people are expected to change….and feelings change too. Eventually, the butterflies in your stomach will go away or will not be as much as they used to, the anxiety will subside, you will get a little more comfortable with each other, you will learn to explore together, your communication will get better – or worse, etc. buw while everything else might be changing in all directions, the only direction the change that occurs in love should take is one for the better; care some more, love some more, communicate better, become a better listener, etc.

Personally, I believe that what two people have been through together is what makes relationships last longer or causes them to end. Therefore, if you are going to commit yourself to somebody, take responsibility all the way. The grass is always greener where it’s watered…and it don’t water itself.

If you are the one constantly trying to make your relationship work, then something is wrong. When there’s a fight or misunderstanding, you are always apologizing but you never hear a sorry from them. When you are in a bad mood they don’t ask you what’s wrong but you are always checking up on them. They feel like they don’t owe you an explanation for decisions they’ve made that affect both your lives. They really don’t care about your feelings and when you argue, they will go quite on you until you take the initiative to communicate even if they were the one in the wrong. I could go on and on here.

My point is, in as much as you might be in-love with someone, it is important to look out for yourself; are you being loved enough? Are you being treated right? Are you getting the attention you deserve? And most importantly, what is this person trying to tell you with their actions? Not everyone can stand in front of you and tell you that they don’t love you or that they don’t have feelings for you anymore. There are others that might tell you straight to your face without caring about your feelings…and there are others courageous enough to subtly tell you what you deserve to know instead of leading you on.

Why should you settle for less? Why should you insist on holding on to somebody who doesn’t love you as much? If you were married, there would be so many variables to consider but if you are just starting a relationship, there is no need for you to compromise on how you should be treated. If you think they will change once you get married, you are kidding yourself.

What man invests in a courtship is what he will bring into a marriage.

The beginning of a relationship is a time when someone should prove to you why they deserve to be with you in the long term and if they are not doing enough to convince you, why are you even wasting your time? Take a hint and move on.

Have you ever loved like that?

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You have spent your life searching and hoping that this time
…that this time he is the one
You have had your heart broken,
Been trampled and cheated on,
You have been dumped so many times you’ve lost count
You have cried yourself to sleep
You have given up a million times
Told yourself you are done hurting
You have approached potential mates with suspicion
Always leaving that little space for disappointment
You have vowed never to be hurt again
You shun promises so much that even trusting yourself has become a battle
Will love ever be your friend?

Twenty years…thirty years…forty years…fi…
Stop….! Please freeze time for her
For how long will she wait for Mr Right?
Many have loved her but many have left
Many have called her beautiful
When she smiles, flowers bloom
What man has never blushed in her presence?
A sight to behold, beauty inside-out
They come into her life with roses and diamonds
And to cover the cost, she pays with little pieces of her broken heart
Will she ever find the kind of love she yearns?

She came like a storm
And swept you off your feet
She awakened in you feelings you never imagined existed
Every single day she rode with you on the wave of love
For once it was your turn to discover the meaning of life
There would be no you without her
You are convinced she is the air you breathe
Her sights have been set on you
Never to be swayed by another
A lifetime of happiness is no longer a dream for you
It is the reality you have been living all these years
Have you ever been loved like that?

He said he would love you forever
He made a promise before God and the world
He would love no other but you
And you believed every single word he uttered
His eyes…that look in his eyes that’s always whispering
“I see no one else but you my angel….”
Without saying a word, he made you feel like the most loved woman in the world
The constant phone calls
The constant I Love You’s
The fancy restaurants
The dozen roses every weekend
Yes…you have been loved like that before

It comes like a thief in the night
It creeps on you when you least expect it
A feeling so severe you dare not imagine it
It starts with a little suspicion
Others call it intuition
Before the smoke appears, the smell will
Even when your hands keep burning
You tell yourself it is only a dream
The only time they call is only to announce a funeral or birth
All the roses withered and died
The candles by the dinner table have all burned out
The only restaurant you know is that little room next to your kitchen
When did you discover that love does not live here anymore?

It is like a whirlwind
Sometimes it smiles at you
Sometimes it just walks by
How many times have you asked yourself;
Why is it happening to me?
Why does it keep happening to me?
Why is it not happening for me?
Is something wrong with me?
When will it be my turn?

When your ego has been bruised
When your pride’s been shuttered
When your love has been thrown back into your face
When you can trust nobody
When everything isn’t working in your favour
When the world has turned its back on you
When all you know to do is give up
When he does not love you anymore
When she has fallen for someone else
When you are no longer his priority
When she would rather be anywhere else but with you
When you cannot turn back the hand of time
When memories are all you have
When you know it will never be
Has love ever done that to you?

They say love is blind….
That moment when your heart stands at odds with your brain
Sometimes it happens whether you like it or not
But with love…comes reciprocity
A one-sided love – though fun can be tiring
A two-way love – it is what you should always seek
But it does not always end the way we wish it to
But still, we never give up

And then there is happiness…
It is a decision you make without seeking anyone’s validation
You can cry but still be happy
You can get disappointed but still be happy
They can try to bring you down but you will still choose happiness
Before you love another you will first love you
And if they ever leave, you will still have someone loving you
If they delay in coming, there will always be someone keeping you happy
Where the sun shines, there is always light
Have you ever loved yourself like that?

If you ever need to choose;
To stay or to leave…
To trust or to investigate…
To seek a profound love or to be content…
To rediscover your feelings or go for plan B
To give up or to settle for less…

I hope you choose happiness.