Tag Archives: Poetry

The Woman I Wish You Were

I wish you would stop pretending.

Pretending that everything is okay when it feels like your world is crumbling down around you. I wish you could stop acting like a superwoman and just fall down and cry. I wish you could just let it all out and tell the world how tired you are. I wish that for once you would stop putting everyone ahead of yourself…just once…that you could put yourself first and just love yourself before you attempt to love anyone else. I wish you could stop for a minute, look into the mirror and realize just how different the woman looking back at you is from the woman you ought to be. For once, just this once, I wish you would not give a dame and just run wild, run to that place in your heart that you buried the day you decided it was okay to not be happy. I wish that for once, you would stop pretending to be happy and actually be happy.

I wish you would stop running.

Running from a past you cannot change and a future you cannot see. I wish you would stop seeing evil in everything and reading into reality things that aren’t in existence. I wish you could stop telling yourself stories about how not good enough you are and how undeserving of true love you are. I wish you would get a set of brand new eyes that would show you just how beautiful you are and just out of the ordinary you are. I wish I could make you see that just because he said he isn’t that into you does not mean you do not meet the mark….but that you are so damn good a weak man like him could not fathom just how a woman like you could consider a man like him…that instead of admitting his smallness to your face, he chose to save face so that he doesn’t have to work so hard to satisfy a woman like you. Oh, how I wish you would stop running from yourself and just accept who you are; a brilliant woman that does not need to seek validation in a man, a courageous woman that embraces her demons and chokes them to death with her bare hands because they have no business pretending to be a part of her. But how can you achieve all this when you keep running…running from your true self?

I wish you could stop lying to yourself

Lying that he will change. I wish you could see him for what he truly is. I wish you could stop trying to fix the 20 that’s missing from your 80. I understand you want to be a 100 to him but he keeps seeking that 20 from Felicia, Fantasia and Muntinta but you see Tisa, that 20 you think you’re missing is in no way a reflection of your weakness but rather his because despite knowing you’re human, he’s been expecting perfection from you when he too is missing a 20…no wait, it’s now a 40 because he took on your 20 when he became too weak to handle your perfect imperfections. I wish you did not have to wait for him to bring another woman’s baby into your home when he makes ‘another’ mistake just so you can feel you are the only special one he loves because he keeps coming back home to you. I wish you could stop entertaining other men because they make you feel so loved when the one at home is too busy chasing skirts to give you the attention he vowed to give you thirteen years ago. I wish you would not turn into a bad woman just to please a man that’s not good enough for you.

I wish you would stop being so desperate.

Desperate enough to stop giving yourself breathing space after every broken relationship. I wish you would stop jumping from one man to another because you are so scared of being alone. I wish you would stop planning out your wedding themes and aligning your life’s goals with those of a man that’s yet to ask you out on a date…that’s if he ever does. I wish you would stop seeing marriage opportunities in every man that glances your way and just enjoy your own company for a little while. I wish you would stop trying to get everyone to like you because you think that’s what makes a wife material. I wish for once you stop searching for happiness in another and just learn to love yourself more before you can attempt to love another. For how can you expect a man to love a woman that doesn’t find herself worthy of even her own love?

I wish you could be all these things and more; a courageous woman.

 

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Escape from Love

He’s a gem of a man, behold!
Arrogant but shy
Charming by the day
But a devil in the night

He’s fluent in the languages of love, lust, loneliness and heartbreak
His lips whisper promises of ectasy and boundless liquid pleasure

Reality he grapples with
Fantasy he embraces
Time he hates

His world is a facade of castles and kingdoms
With marble walls and glass doors
A mirage of sorts;
He the king and I his queen

His mind is a dome of complexity
It speaks of love in the morning
And lust in the evenings

But love I’ve had and want no more
A prisoner of lust am bound by choice
I seek no more and I desire not his heart
….Or anyone else’s

Escape is my precedence
And he…a fortunate accident
But wait,
Did i just stutter?
😊😊😊

When You Were Here

image

I once gazed upon his dancing eyes, his mysterious smile, his mismatched socks, his crooked teeth, his littered clothes on the floor and all I did was frown.

He was not perfect. He was never going to be perfect.

Today I gaze upon the same dancing eyes, the mysterious smile, the mismatched socks, the crooked teeth, the littered clothes on the floor and all I can do is swoon.

He is not here. He will never be here.

So here I stand, surrounded by memories frozen in time and memories playing on mind.

How is it that the very things I destested , the things I frowned upon and the things I hated I now look upon with such longing?

Take me back… to a time when I could see and feel, a time when I could hear and respond….

Give me back any moment…even the ones that made me despondent

Just take me back to a time when you were nigh.

Sinfully Addicted

By Charity Wathu Chingloma – Guest Blogger

couple

Cracks are my favourite sight
Your negligence, my cocaine
Your option, My priority
Its amazing How Hurting me makes me want you more

It aint rational, its emotional
Push me away
Like a widow I’ll still love you
You think am crazy?
A single passion from you will heal me

Am not pathetic
Am athletic
On a race to sanity
Which only is delayed by your vanity

One opportunity I’ll deflater your masculinity
And the We and Us will define the Infinity
Until then my addiction, your ego
Will form a sinful unity

 

IN A MAZE OF LOVE

maze

Excited.

Joyful.

Happy.

Loved….

I am all of these things most of the times.

Tears.

Sorrow.

Despair.

Fear….

I get to feel these every once in a while.

Friday evening, I was standing by the balcony. All alone.

I remember everything.

I raised my head up to let the cool breeze caress every inch of my face. A few minutes ago I could hear the most melancholic melody playing, tantalizing every buried memory in my head. I could hear the hooting and honking of cars as the drivers negotiated their way through the evening traffic rash.

In the distance, I could see kids shouting and jumping in excitement…seeming all unaware of their surroundings. I could even hear the cries of a baby, mercilessly announcing its displeasure over something. And then…and then came the sweetest sounds of a lullaby, seductively gracing my eardrums and slowly…slowly…slowly…the cries began fading away.

But so did everything else.

Suddenly…and I mean very so suddenly, I heard the first drop hit the floor… and then the second. I moved my feet back a little and looked down. I had seen seasons come and go. I saw leaves dry and weather, I had seen the greens and the fruits in their most beautiful form. I got rained on a few times, hell I felt so hot at times I had to walk around the house naked.

But it was still winter.

I quickly reasoned. This was no rain.

My hand instinctively went straight to my face.

Teardrops.

Was that me?

I jump.

I fall.

I run.

I walk….

These are the little things I do every now and then.

Feeling.

Feelings.

Feelings.

Feelings.

Why do I feel so much?

I took a walk a few days ago.

I kept walking and walking and walking.

I was lost.

My mind is a beautiful maze of things unknown and words spoken very so lightly.

Sometimes I even scream.

Oh no, he does not hear me.

But clearly, something was on my mind.

I stopped and sat on the bench by the side of the road.

Somehow, I got a deep feeling that for quite a while I had not been thinking of anything at all.

He smiles at me.

My heart skips a beat.

I blink.

I blush.

I look away.

He still doesn’t understand.

Love?

I heard him ask.

I laughed, ever so softly.

Love, you ask?

I replied.

Love to me is all these things and more.

I do not cry because I am sad.

I do not walk alone because am lonely.

Love??

I do not only see roses.

Or kisses.

Or hugs.

Or happiness.

And all those bright and colourful things that you are thinking about.

I have loved even before I knew the concept of love existed and I have fallen in love at least a couple of times growing up. Love to me also means sadness, worry, stress, anxiety, tears, pain and all those dark things that come to mind. Sometimes it even means loneliness. I cannot say I have loved if I have not experienced the good and the bad together. I am always hoping for the best but I also expect the bad to happen along the way. Just like the night gives way to the day and vice versa to make a complete day so does sadness and happiness combine to bring about love.

I get scared.

I get afraid.

I get jealous too.

And then there are those tiny moments when I feel a little insecure.

There have been times I have even gotten mad at God.

It was July. I remember.

In the wee hours of the morning.

I watched a woman who to me was the epitome of everything good die. I stood on the side, my hands tightly clenching hers, and she too holding on to me as if for dear life. I watched slowly as every drop of life got drained from her…bit by bit. I have seen a lot of pain before in my life but never before had I felt it to such a degree.

I could smell it.

I could feel it rip my insides to pieces.

That night I even touched pain.

I had been transported to the darkest and deepest parts of hell and came back smelling blue.

I was mad.

I was angry.

I could barely contain it.

I had a lot of questions back then and I still do.

Why her??

Faith.

Faith, you ask?

Do not ask me why I felt like that.

Instead, ask me how it feels to be human.

And if you do,

I will tell you that this too is Love to me.

Love can bruise you every now and then.

You will cry.

You will fall.

And you will get disappointed.

But Love will not let you suffer alone.

It will not leave you in despair.

Love will also give you the antidote.

This too is what love means to me.

Every now and then I worry about the safety of my loved ones.

Why is she late?

Why didn’t he answer his phone?

Is her seatbelt on?

Sometimes I even get a little foolish in-love.

I cry when I wake up in the middle of the night and watch you sleep peacefully beside me; how can anyone so beautiful inside and out be mine? Sometimes I still cry just thinking about all the blessings I have been granted over the years.

You have told me that I look more beautiful when I smile.

That you do not like the sight of my tears.

But do you know that at times,

The glitter in my tears is because I love you too much?

Do you know that sometimes…

I get upset only because I want you to hold me?

I can see he understands me now.

He hugs me from behind.

My heart skips.

I can smell his love.

Here’s me wishing that you never stop loving me.

Can we make it so that we never have to make wishes….

Instead of wishing, how about…we just do.

Can we not look back at the good old times….

How about we just make every memory past, present and future…

Can you love me for that long? And as you love me…

Can we strive to have more of the good than the bad?

Now here’s me wishing that you never stop loving me.