“I’m just not into you….”

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Do you know someone who’s just so clueless when it comes to relationships you literally have to bite your tongue to keep from constantly screaming at them to wake up and smell the coffee?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you wanted to break up with someone but you just couldn’t get yourself to do it because they were such a good person and they didn’t deserve to be hurt like that…but you just weren’t ‘feelin’ them no more?

When you are in a relationship where you feel you don’t love the person any more or that much, the obvious solution is a break-up. Unfortunately, breaking up with someone isn’t always easy. And so, some people opt to send hints (some subtle and others not so subtle) to get their feelings across. It is a cowardly way of handling things but unfortunately, it happens quite a lot!

For long term relationships, there’s a lot that has to be considered before a decision to end the relationship can be made. So I will only focus on those relationships that are just starting or about to start.

So what are some of the hints that say, “I am just not into you…?”
Phone calls and Texts
If you have been seeing someone for just a few weeks or months and a day or more goes by without hearing from them, that is the first sign right there for you to pause and re-evaluate things. Although there is no manual on how every relationship should function, there are certain phases that most relationships go through. One of those phases is right at the beginning when two people attracted to each other decide to start dating and get to know each other better. This is the butterflies in your stomach stage, you get nervous when experiencing certain things with that person for the first time, you anxiously wait for a call or text from them, you want to be with them 24/7 even when you know it’s impossible, you take six hours deciding what to wear on a date, and so on and so forth.

For me this is the most defining phase of a relationship. The pain and excitement that comes from experiencing such conflicting emotions is something that will last with you forever; it will be a constant point of reference throughout your relationship and it will determine what sort of phases your relationship will be subjected to. Unfortunately, sometimes someone might be so in-love with somebody that they forget the fact that they too need to be loved back either the same way or even better, not less. They get so absorbed into loving someone that they fail to notice the signs screaming at them for attention.

You are always the one calling, texting, checking up on someone, asking when you will get to see them, suggesting dates and so on. You excitedly plan your relationship while the other person makes no effort to contribute to the excitement. And so you say, who cares if loving him/her like this makes me happy? You say, I can love him/her enough for the both of us. I say, bullshit!

I don’t know if I’m normal and I don’t expect people to do what I do but I believe that whether a relationship is new or old, there is no way a day should go by without talking to someone you claim to love unless they are in some place where such communication is impossible. The problem with some people is that they get too comfortable and stop caring as much. If in just two weeks or in those few months someone has stopped being curious or caring about you…what do you think will happen in one, two, three or four years?
Sense of Familiarity
Ever been in a relationship where you had to ask someone for permission to put their picture as your profile picture on social media or phone screen? Or you ask them why they’ve never put your picture as theirs? If you’ve been dating for only a few days or couple of months, it’s understandable to ask for permission…but I think that the moment a couple decides to go steady, then such questions shouldn’t even be asked. I know that some people might argue, ‘why do you need to publicize our relationship like that?…I like to keep my private life private…blah blah blah.’

Thing is, there is a huge difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it a secret.

There is something I have come to learn about human nature and people in-love; that when you are crazy about someone, no matter how old or mature you think you are, there is a part of you that just wants to shout it to the world even if it makes you look like a fool. I don’t know how other people love, but that’s the kind of love I want and deserve. Of course this doesn’t mean you have to constantly bombard people on social media about your relationship woes and adventures…just do enough to show you are off the market because that will save you a lot of potential problems. Do you think that engagement ring or wedding band is only a formality? It has numerous functions!

Making it work
Many times I have heard people say that change is the only constant thing in life. I am inclined to believe that. People change, people should change, people are expected to change….and feelings change too. Eventually, the butterflies in your stomach will go away or will not be as much as they used to, the anxiety will subside, you will get a little more comfortable with each other, you will learn to explore together, your communication will get better – or worse, etc. buw while everything else might be changing in all directions, the only direction the change that occurs in love should take is one for the better; care some more, love some more, communicate better, become a better listener, etc.

Personally, I believe that what two people have been through together is what makes relationships last longer or causes them to end. Therefore, if you are going to commit yourself to somebody, take responsibility all the way. The grass is always greener where it’s watered…and it don’t water itself.

If you are the one constantly trying to make your relationship work, then something is wrong. When there’s a fight or misunderstanding, you are always apologizing but you never hear a sorry from them. When you are in a bad mood they don’t ask you what’s wrong but you are always checking up on them. They feel like they don’t owe you an explanation for decisions they’ve made that affect both your lives. They really don’t care about your feelings and when you argue, they will go quite on you until you take the initiative to communicate even if they were the one in the wrong. I could go on and on here.

My point is, in as much as you might be in-love with someone, it is important to look out for yourself; are you being loved enough? Are you being treated right? Are you getting the attention you deserve? And most importantly, what is this person trying to tell you with their actions? Not everyone can stand in front of you and tell you that they don’t love you or that they don’t have feelings for you anymore. There are others that might tell you straight to your face without caring about your feelings…and there are others courageous enough to subtly tell you what you deserve to know instead of leading you on.

Why should you settle for less? Why should you insist on holding on to somebody who doesn’t love you as much? If you were married, there would be so many variables to consider but if you are just starting a relationship, there is no need for you to compromise on how you should be treated. If you think they will change once you get married, you are kidding yourself.

What man invests in a courtship is what he will bring into a marriage.

The beginning of a relationship is a time when someone should prove to you why they deserve to be with you in the long term and if they are not doing enough to convince you, why are you even wasting your time? Take a hint and move on.

What Women Want from Men

relationshipsFor centuries men have grappled with ways in which to please their women because the truth, according to them is a resounding: you cannot please a woman! However, that sentiment is far from the truth! Unless it is not ‘that time of the month’ or menopause, women generally are very easy to please…very very easy believe me.

As usual, I was watching something when I was confronted with this easy puzzle which I posted earlier today to my social media feeds:

This puzzle is for all the men to solve. How much do you know about the women around you?
We just celebrated International Women’s Day yesterday so let’s see how well our men know their women, shall we?
You are out of town for some important business. Your girlfriend just moved into a new apartment, the walls are still freshly painted making it hard for her to breath…in the end she gets a terrible headache. She tries to go outside for some fresh air and she’s met with strong fumes of smoke coming from the oil factory not far from her new place. The air outside too is not friendly. She then calls you and complains (nags) about her predicament. Then you suggest to her that it’s better if she stays inside because the paint can’t be as bad as the fumes outside. Unfortunately, your response only serves to aggravate her even more. She cuts the line. You are puzzled so you call her back and suggest that she go outside…somewhere else for some fresh air instead. Alas! She’s still not pleased with that either. What do you think would be the right response that would please her in this case?

As expected, it was fun reading all the interesting responses from my male friends but unfortunately, none of them was able to provide the correct response. You see, the biggest problem men have, as witnessed from the responses and just experience in general is that they try to confront most puzzling situations they find themselves in with logic. And this is why women have ended up being labelled as nagging. You have to realise that we (women) do not necessarily nag our men. The situations only appear to be so because the men we are dealing with have refused to look at things from our point of view.

For my own personal satisfaction, I came to a very dangerous conclusion (one which might be considered a felony in the scientific realm I am sure) but here’s what I have concluded; that because all kinds of life (male and female) have to pass through a woman’s womb…in fact – spend quite some good time there, and even after being released to the world they have to be nurtured by the very hands of the woman, the result of all this is what culminates into women’s ability to understand their spouses, their brothers and all the men around them…because whether we like it or not, we are somehow responsible for how they turn out to be. There are of course exceptions to my extreme assumptions but let’s work with this for now. So what am I trying to say here?

I am trying to say that it is very difficult for men to understand women because of two reasons mostly; they are biologically and socially challenged, and they tend to be too logical most of the time. You see, men hate grey areas. For most of them, it should either be black or white. Sadly, it is this same logic they futilely apply in relationships. The reality is that there will always be a lot of grey areas in relationships because you are dealing with something that was founded on something illogical. The ultimate love is one that has no reasons. Isn’t this why most people in-love behave like fools? When you have to deal with emotions, be prepared to face challenges, ones that cannot be solved with calculus. You need to put yourself in the most simplest of positions in order to please a woman because the truth is that solving the problems they throw at you every single day is not very complicated.

There is one universal answer to all the nagging and constant headaches that women render on Adam’s descendants. That answer is a four lettered word many have come to call LOVE. If you love her, then you will understand her. Now, I am not saying that all problematic situations caused by women are understandable, no. There will always be women out there who ride on the other side of the psychological scale believe me, always getting a rise from making the lives of others hell. But why do I say love? Here’s why:

Remember that puzzle I posted above? The correct answer that any woman around the world would have been happy to receive is:

I am very sorry to hear about that my love. Are you alright? How I wish I was there with you right now…it must be so hard on you all alone over there….

And that conversation would have moved on from the paint or the fumes to totally something else! The issue here as the writers of that insightful scene I was watching pointed out was neither the paint nor the fumes…or where exactly the woman was supposed to go to get some fresh air. All she needed was someone to listen to her as she expressed her grievances and offer her support. It is as simple as that! The man didn’t need to start calculating how much was needed to get her a new place, to have her follow him wherever he was and all that. He just needed to show he understood her situation. And of course she knew exactly what the best option to take was.

Handling relationship problems with rationality doesn’t always go the way we wish it would. Most of the time the correct answer is the easiest one of them all and one that men rarely consider when confronted with such situations. I am of the belief that it is not that women are nagging and that men are easy to deal with. The major reason why men’s problems that are related to women seem easy to understand is because women have the ability to see things from both points of view. Unfortunately, for a man to realise his errors, the woman will need to pound it into or out of him first just so he can realise he made a mistake and only then will they try solving it together which doesn’t always go well.

Yes she knows she’s put on some weight so she doesn’t need you to embarrass her by saying, “you have become too fat. You don’t look sexy any more. Soon you will need a new wardrobe.” There are better ways to help her get back in shape. How would men like it if women blatantly told them, “Your penis is too short you barely hit the spot every time we make love. Soon I will need a new pair of balls.” It’s not nice isn’t it? There are also better ways of addressing that issue without shuttering someone’s esteem for life. Words can break or make a relationship. I guess this is why they say most problems in relationships are solved through communication. Prayer on its own will not cut it. In order to solve problems, you will need to talk about them first.

So for our loving and caring boyfriends or husbands, we do not need you to bring the moon to us or swing from the chandelier to please us. Mostly, we need you to see things from our point of view, that’s not rocket science, is it? It always helps to think, how would I feel if I was in her shoes…with all the boobs, the ass, the periods, the pregnancies, the babies, the home drama, and unfortunately, even menopause. All throughout our lives we have to deal with hormones that are constantly changing and trying to adjust. I don’t think we are responsible for half of the things we say most of the times! I am joking.

But on a serious note, just as we will strive to understand that men need their time out with the boys, that they need their socks in right pairs every morning, clean and ironed clothes, food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, watch soccer undisturbed, that money doesn’t fall from trees, that they will always leave the bathroom and clothes in a mess, that they sometimes they just want to be left alone without being nagged…men should also understand that being a housewife isn’t an easy thing, that we want to be pampered too, that babies are made by two people and should thus be attended to by both, that just as they need clean clothes and what not, we need our hair and nails done, that we get tired too, that we want to watch drama’s without being ridiculed.

All it takes to achieve all this and have some peace around the house is a little more love each passing day.